Sporking my prey.

Happy Cake and Cunnilingus Day. The holiday I thought I’d created, but through the magic of parallel evolution I realised this wasn’t the case. My reasoning in “creating” the holiday was simple. A while back some guys decided that Valentine’s Day was a feminine holiday and through their indignation created a holiday of their own. Steak and a Blowjob Day was born. Obviously this is dumb. If they’re not enjoying celebrating Valentine’s Day then they’re just not celebrating it the right way. If they’re celebrating with a partner, they should be celebrating in a mutually enjoyable fashion. If either partner gets roped into something they don’t like on a day to celebrate what they have together, this is a greater issue with the relationship itself. If they’re not with a partner, Valentine’s Day is a great day to celebrate any love they have in their life, whether it’s familial or friendly. Hell, do we really need an excuse to do fun stuff with the people we love?

Anyway, after celebrating Steak and a Blowjob Day (which is a great holiday regardless of its initial intentions), I realised we needed something different. Why not have more chances to celebrate awesome things? Why not a day to enjoy the sweetness of cunnilingus with another sweet treat on the side? Cake and Cunnilingus Day! Last year I celebrated by making a big batch of vagina cupcakes (with chocolate chip pubic hair and maraschino cherry clits) and giving them out at a local sex positive event. This year my girlfriend and I have a friend coming over to help decorate a cake. We’ll all hang out and when she goes home, we’ll advance to the second half of the holiday. Simple. Fun.

Right now though I’m trying to increase my cake quota. There’s a baby shower upstairs and I really want to sneak up there and steal a slice or two. They’ve got tons of snacks; cake slices, cupcakes, fruit and cheese, chocolates and juice. There’s more food than they could ever hope to eat and it all looks delicious. Straight up, they don’t owe me a thing. I don’t know the person showering their baby with goodies. If they pack it all up and take it home that’s 100% fine. I’ve just become so used to people leaving out snacks for anyone who comes to the kitchen after the party is done. People have shared lunches or small parties all the time and end up leaving out leftovers to whoever happens to walk past.

Strategy comes into play. I need to pick the right time to walk past. Perhaps after they’ve just left. If I wait too long, other fellow vultures will have scavenged the best bits. If I go too soon I’ll feel guilty (as I should) for being so mercenary (as I am) and their stares will dig right into my soul. Perhaps I need to don some subtle costume, like an oversized baby suit. Where do I find an adult diaper in close proximity to my work? In my defence out of any day I’d be justified in questing for cake, Cake and Cunnilingus is right up there.

I’m out, I think right now is my best chance to get in and grab a slice. Have a sweet day everyone.

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