Ziggy Piggy! Ziggy Piggy!


I had to. I saw it lying there all alone and had no choice but to grasp the large spiral-cut mound and cradle it to my breast. 99c per pound down from $4.99 per pound. $2.19 per kilo. How could I look past that kind of value? For under $10 I could all my ham based dreams reality (at least all my ham based dreams that could be realised with four and a half kilos of solid meat). I snatched it without reservation and strode home grinning like a bandit (after paying for it of course. It was $10, I’m not enough of an outlaw to shoplift when the deal I’m getting is already a steal).

My girlfriend saw it and begun laughing maniacally. Finally, I thought someone who really gets me. It was SO MUCH MEAT. Opening the packet we discovered that spiral-cut meant it was basically pre-sliced. We didn’t even need to do that much work. How could this situation get any better (outside of oversized condiments barging in Kool Aid Man style and demanding to be eaten. I have peculiar fantasies. I can admit it)? We tore the meat asunder (maybe a smidge neater than “asunder” implies, I just like using the word) and arranged it into vaguely meal sized portions. Given that we had almost five kilos of ham, we wound up with a fat stack of perhaps 25 future meals in the making (or a jumpsuit that’d make Lady Gaga jealous).

I know Radiohead released a new album, but our meat based adventure was clearly the most important and exciting occurrence of the day.

Imagine all the ham dishes I could eat with this much ham…

  • Hawaiian pizza.
  • Grilled ham.
  • Ham sandwich.
  • Hamsteak and cheese.
  • Ham and eggs.
  • Ham omelette.
  • Ham and cheese bread.
  • Croque monsieur.
  • Homemade ham jerky.
  • Ham and potato soup.
  • Ham pasta.
  • Ham breakfast burrito.
  • Ham and cheese sticks.
  • Ham quesadilla.
  • Ham popsicles (protein for hot summer days).
  • Ham smoothies.
  • Hamantaschens (for purim. A Jewish classic).
  • Hamcakes and syrup.
  • Ham chips.
  • Pigs in a hamket.
  • Ham tofu.

Sometimes dreams do come true. Now I must be off, there’s a large ham bone awaiting my gnawing maw. Who am I to keep destiny waiting?

Tomorrow I’m gonna have such a nasty hamover. Or do they just call that meat sweats?


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