I once watched an episode of Wife Swap where the proxy wife made her doomsday prepper swap husband sell his hovercraft to pay for his kid to record a rap single for the sake of his self-esteem.

More dialogue. It’s kind of fun to write something different for a change.

T: Hi, I’m T. You must be B.
B: Excuse me?
T: It’s me, T from Ok Cupid. Sorry, my hair was a bit longer in my profile pic.
B: Oh, this is embarrassing. I think you’ve got the wrong person. I don’t even have a profile.
T: I’M SO SORRY. Geez, you looked so much like the picture. Sorry, I must have total facial aphasia or something. I just… I’m gonna go. Sorry again. Sorry. [quickly walks off]

*Three Minutes Later*

T: Wait a minute. You’re definitely B. You were messing with me, right?
B: [smirks] [holds up hands in surrender] Guilty as charged.
T: Aww, geez. Freak me out why don’t you? Here I am staring down everybody in this park. They must’ve thought I was crazy or something.
B: No way. You didn’t even have a tinfoil suit.
T: No, just a much heavier jacket than I needed. [puts down jacket]
B: Indeed. You a doomsday prepper or something?
T: What?
B: Lugging around that thing like an emergency bivouac. Awww, did you plan to hitch us up a cosy date hammock?
T: It’s a jacket, not a hammock. I’m just saying it’s hot today.
B: Yep. It is.
T: …
B: …
T: Did I do something wrong?
B: I’m not sure. Are you a felon as well as a survivalist? Ooh, are you hiding out from the law? Am I your hostage?
T: What? No. Can we just… So, do you come to this park often?
B: Only when I’m looking to dig up treasure. Say, you’re a survivalist. Do you have a shovel hidden somewhere on your person?
T: You keep doing that. Why can’t you answer a straight question?
B: Why can’t you ask a good question?
T: Seriously? I’m just trying to find out more about you and so far I’ve gotten nothing.
B: To be fair, it’s not like you’re giving me anything either. “How about this heat? Do you come here often?” How’s that gonna lead to anything interesting?
T: If I don’t know you, how am I gonna jump straight into these tangents and flights of fancy? I just wanted to break the ice a bit first.
B: Well you’re certainly… pick-y.
T: [flat stare] What?
B: You want to break the ice. You’re a pick-y one.
T: … was. Was that meant to be a pun?
B: [smiles] Yeah. Like an ice pick. [does an axe swinging motion] Pick-y.
T: [smiles] That’s SO dumb.
B: I know. Isn’t it great?
T: It was a little cheesy.
B: Yeah. It was pretty bad.
T: No, I mean, like, [holds up hands in a cheese grating motion] grated cheese. I was doing the punning.
B: Oh. [grins] OH. Nice one. Maybe you’re less of a doomsday prepper and more of a… “parmageddon survivalist”.
T: …
B: …
T: … I don’t know if this is gonna work out.
B: Hahaha. “So awkward”, right?
T: No, I mean it. Something just isn’t clicking.
B: We just broke the ice. [faux melodrama] Who knew you were so cold underneath it?
T: I’m not trying to be rude or shitty or anything. Honestly though, something’s off, right? Like we’re hitting all the beats, but only one of us is on the half beats and it’s throwing off the rhythm.
B: Well it’s not like these always have to work out.
T: You know, lately mine haven’t. I’m getting kind of burned out on this whole thing.
B: Bummer. That sucks. No harm though, these things happen.
T: Yeah. I hope I didn’t make you feel like you owed me anything.
B: Not at all. Let’s just chalk this one up to a mis-punderstanding.
T: [chuckles] You don’t turn it off, do you?
B: Not till I die. Nice to meet you. Hope your next date goes a bit better. [offers hand to shake] No hard feelings?
T: [shakes hand] Of course no hard feelings. [picks up jacket. Walks away]

B: [calling out] I’ve gotta ask, why did you even get in touch in the first place?
T: [Turns around] Oh. There was this poem you posted. The Pablo Neruda one. “But I love your feet, only because they walked upon the earth and upon the wind and upon the waters, until they found me.”
B: It’s a lovely poem.
T: He’s a wonderful poet. My mum used to have that up on our bathroom wall when we were kids. It always made me feel warm inside. She died a few years back, but seeing that on your profile that warmth came back. I hadn’t read any of his stuff since she passed. After you reminded me, I went and devoured his works. I just thought that if you could bring something amazing like that back to my life, well. You’d probably be a pretty amazing person.
B: [smirks] I am, you know. But maybe it’s not me that your feet were walking towards. I hope this whole dating thing works out for you.
T: You too. [starts to turn away. Turns back] Hey, thanks for being kind.
B: What can I say? I’m a pretty amazing person. Have a [holds up hands in a cheese grating motion] grate… day.
T: I’m going now. [smiles] The Doomsday clock waits for no prepper.


One response to “I once watched an episode of Wife Swap where the proxy wife made her doomsday prepper swap husband sell his hovercraft to pay for his kid to record a rap single for the sake of his self-esteem.

  1. Pingback: There are kids with their own YouTube channels these days. We all know how inept children are. | I have my doubts

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