Tumbling down tumbling down tumbling down.

O: Oh lookie, they’re on a date.
P: They are?
O: Sure, they totally are.
P: And you can tell because?
O: Because they look awkward as fuck. Just watch the body language. Look did you see that involuntary twitch? Things aren’t quite clicking there.
P: If it is a date, don’t you feel a little skeevy watching them?
O: Not in the slightest. They don’t know that we’re perving on them. Plus, if they’re looking around for us instead of interacting with one another that’s on them. Shitty date central.
P: I dunno. I feel a little off about it. Like we’re sending bad mojo their way.
O: Come on. Where’s your sense of adventure?
P: Adventure? We’re commentating helpless wannabe lovebirds.
O: Creepy people aren’t allowed to have creepy adventures?
P: I can’t speak for you, but I’m hardly a creep.
O: Then consider this me tempting you to the dark side. Anyway, it’s a karmic confluence.
P: Go on? Throwing out $10 words doesn’t make it true.
O: We’ve all had shitty dates and a sprinkling of schadenfreude makes the world go ’round.
P: You know, logic means nothing if it’s not based in reality. I hope it works out for them. I’ve got no reason to rain on their parade.
O: Are you sure? Haven’t you had enough crappy dates that’ve made you wish someone else would cop one for once? Oooh, I’m intrigued now. What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
P: Pass.
O: No deal. If you’re that reticent surely it was some kind of horrorshow.
P: Who uses “reticent” in everyday speech? Are you trying to pay off your degree one $10 word at a time?
O: AVOIDING THE QUESTION! YOU CAN’T DECEIVE ME!
P: It’s actually not what you’re thinking.
O: It’s exactly what I’m thinking. Did you end up with a sloppy fish mouth kisser? Splitting the bill with a lush? Did you abscond a poker game at an underground meth lab moments before SWAT swung in through the windows?
P: Worse.
O: WORSE? Was there grand theft auto involved? Grand larceny? Did you watch a pirated VHS of Grand Torino on an oil rig?
P: It’s “Gran” Torino, not Grand.
O: I KNOW. It just didn’t fit with the rule of three up to that point.
P: You’re such a dork.
O: YES I’M A DORK, BUT YOU’RE WITHOLDING! WHY WAS THE DATE SO BAD?
P: Are you frothing at the mouth?
O: I WILL BE IN A SECOND. UGGHHH. YOU’RE INCORRIGIBLE. JUST TELL ME.
P: BECAUSE IT WASN’T, OKAY?
O: What?
P:  It wasn’t bad. They weren’t bad. I don’t have any truly bad date stories. I don’t have fraught adventures up my sleeve. I don’t have a litany of manic misadventures and chaotic amorous encounters. I’m not that kind of person. If a date is bad it just means something didn’t click. They weren’t as witty in person as they were online. They looked at their phone too much or had conflicts in personal politics. I never faced down the Yakuza or, I dunno, had to defend Neo Tokyo from ancient celestial beings intent on the utter annihilation of humankind. ARE YOU HAPPY?
O: Not one iota. My stories are lame too. I just hoped you had something better.
P: Oh. Well I guess we’re both lame then.
O: Yep. Hey, you want a chocolate milk?
P: I’d love a chocolate milk. Thanks.
O: How the hell did chocolate milk even happen? It’s like humans got jealous about cows’ superior milk production skills and had to one up them. It’s probably the most American product ever.
P: Yeah, but it’s fucking delicious, so ‘murica got one right. Oh, looks like their date didn’t work out after all. You called it.
O: Damn straight.
P: You’re still creepy though.
O: Damn straight.

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