Hi. Howdy. Greetings and other salutations. I’m trying to be chipper right now, but I think my body is beginning to collapse in on itself. I had so much goddamn sugar over the weekend. The epitome of “it sounded like a good idea at the time”, one week after getting a clean dental check up I went in and R.E.K.T. it all. As if the check up was some test to pass and now that I’ve ticked the box it gives me carte blanche to destroy everything it stood for. Now I’m trying to cut back on insidious little sugar landmines I’ve placed through my habitual workplace timeline. Perhaps the morning mocha (2 espresso shots from the coffee machine, a drop of half and half then a serving of hot chocolate from the hot chocolate machine) needs to go. I’ve also insidiously been falling into the trap of buying three packs of cookies from the tuck shop downstairs. They’re clearly just repackaged from Costco. Hell, I’m not even sure if they’re the kinds of cookies I like. They’re soft all over instead of having a crispy exoskeleton and soft interior (I like my cookies like I like my lobsters, clearly). Still, that explosion of sugary baked goodery was artificially hauling me through the afternoon slump. Added to this dastardly temptation, it’s iced capp season again. How am I to resist the allure of chilled sugar, sodium and caffeine? My Caniwi heart beats with a longing so pure for this nationally lauded cool treat, yet I must rally against its siren song.
Some people have real problems, y’know.
To be honest, I didn’t need those four bowls of cereal at the Saturday Morning Cartoon and All You Can Eat Cereal Party during the weekend. I did make good on that All You Can Eat promise though. Even being small bowls, I don’t know how much more my body could’ve taken. Pretty sure the ringing endorsement my dental hygienist gave me last week has spoiled like spilled milk. As someone who only really discovered the joy of sugary cereal as an adult (coco pops were reserved for rare treats at home), this was my mecca. Mecca is a place where you slowly slip into a diabetic coma, right? The table was overloaded with gratuitous amounts of sugary cereals. What’s more, these were flashy North American cereals I didn’t have access to back home (but given our household ban on froot loops and its ilk, “access” is a moot point). I finally tried Lucky Charms in all of its magical deliciousness (not to mention crumbly, dessicated marshmallows). Corn pops in both normal and Reese’s variety, sugar snaps, peanut butter cheerios, Trix (too good for kids), nesquik cereal, shreddies and a mountian of granola. My favourite “technique” (because my bowls became mountainous enough to rival Olympus), was to do a bottom layer of granola, complete with raisins and assorted dried fruit. Atop this I’d pile the rest of those glorious corn orbs. What this meant was a variety of consistencies and densities in each bite. While the corn based cereals would often grow soggy and bloated, the crunchiness of granola countered in sublime fashion. Added to the the taste of peanut butter and chocolate cereal, I attained some measure of godhood. I couldn’t tell if the 60s commercials were actually cereal or surreal. My mind began to slowly unravel as I discovered the multitudes of the universe coalescing and expanding around me. I felt the heartbeat of all matter simultaneously and discovered my connection to the great unknown. In short, I evolved into an all new life form.
Or perhaps I was just stockpiling a future sugar rush with which to bulldoze tonight’s recording of the first ever Air Bud Pawdcast. I know I said I was recording it like 10 days ago, but my cohost lost his voice, which is contrary to the whole point of podcasting. Are you excited? ARE YOU EXCITED?
I don’t blame you.