Or, like, get a job. Be your own person. Maybe do some crochet.

It’s oft said you’ve gotta learn to love yourself before you can truly love others. I don’t know if this is gospel, considering sometimes hating yourself for a while is a foregone conclusion, but hey, Big Hallmark needs its quotes on the regular. I have times when I don’t love myself, but you know what? Occasionally I make myself giggle or guffaw enough that I can forget those periods. It’s usually stupid shit (like proclaiming “ah do de-clay-ur” in a southern debutante voice while wandering around the house naked), but it’s nice to know that if nobody else would be in my own corner, at least I can be.

Take today for instance. I’d just had a training session at my physio and I was showering. “Two Princes” by Spin Doctors was stuck in my head. You know the track, the one that sounds like it belongs behind a panning shot of every teen prom scene in a 90s film. There’s that verse where he keeps saying “go ahead now” with the clap breakdown. I think it repeats about three times (cut them some slack, it’s hard to write songs, maaan). Wait, I have the internet, how did it go again?

“Said if you want to call me baby
Just go ahead now
And if you like to tell me maybe
Just go ahead now
And if you wanted to buy me flowers
Just go ahead now
And if you like to talk for hours
Just go ahead now.”


While showering I kept rolling with freestyled lines in my head. Whatever popped into my brain.

Said if you want to go for bagels
Just go ahead now
And if you would like to chase some seagulls
Just go ahead now
And if you want to bank some money
Just go ahead now
And if your poo is kind of runny
Just go ahead now
And if you really enjoy skipping
Just go ahead now
And if your chicken’s finger lickin’
Just go ahead now
And if you need to eat a person
Just go ahead now
And if your hunger’s gonna worsen
Just go ahead now
And if you want to hear some Moby
Just go ahead now
And if you have to see your OB
GYN now

At this point I started giggling out loud. Was I audible enough to be heard? This was the dumbest thing to be invested in, but somehow I was pleased as punch with the silly rhymes I’d made in my head. I wanted to tell someone, write it down, but how was that gonna happen? I was naked in a shower in a subterranean bathroom inside of a wellness centre. There were a number of steps both figuratively and literally that needed to be taken in order to fulfill these needs. I committed these lines to heart by repeating them in my mind. I got dressed and trotted past everyone not saying a word. I climbed the steps up to the street with these stupid lines running over and over. I crossed the road, watching for cars while thinking about late 90s/early 2000s radio mainstay Moby as an OB/GYN. Runny poo and money, bagel seagulls, hungry cannibals. As soon as I got back to my desk I jotted it down word for word. I looked upon what I had written (as you just did) and thought wow, this is a dumb pile of garbage. AND I LOVE IT.

There’s a lot of hate in this world and we’ve gotta do all we can to keep spirits up. If your tank is running low, trying making up new lyrics for the clap breakdown in 1991’s “Two Princes” by Spin Doctors. I’m no therapist, but if I was, I’d recommend it to all my clients.

Go ahead now.


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