Twist: This becomes an article for Cottage Life magazine.

So I don’t know if this is standard, but the cottage we ended up at is palatial. We got out of the car and looked out over the lake. “Holy shit” I exclaimed. I saw the large tiered deck with two barbecues and reiterated my earlier statement. “You ain’t seen nothing yet.” Proclaimed my friend who’d booked. She was right. Walking into the foyer, it was hard to ignore the imposing suit of armour. Then I realised this place had a foyer fullstop. I stepped out into the lounge/kitchen and gasped. The place was enormous and had considerably more comforts than home. An array of leather couches and Ottomans. A stone fireplace and a mantelpiece covered in model boats, Christmas baubles and a human skull. The lounge had an enormous banister and railing, along with a feature wall covered in glitter.

A flat screen television and stereo system rounded out the entertainment portion of the lounge. An ottoman opened up to reveal a stack of Disney VHS tapes, DVDs and a singular VHS copy of Abs of Steel. Oh, and they seemed to have kept up with their subscription to Cottage Life magazine. My friend had brought a Raspberry Pi loaded up with SNES roms and we were quickly lost into a world of Street Fighter Alpha 2, Turtles in Time and NBA Jam. With only one controller, we tried configuring cellphones for the role, with middling results.

Wait, why am I still talking about the SNES? I haven’t finished the cottage tour. Fuck. Also, I’m changing to present tense, cause I’m still here. The kitchen is well stocked with spices, cutlery, utensils, pots, freezer, fridge and beer fridge space. It’s functional as shit and everyone is throwing down with amazing meals. We were all sorted onto two person meal teams, so in a group of 12 we only need to worry about one meal each. It’s awesome. There’s an absurd drum of sangria, boxes of wine goons and too much Four Loko to handle. It’s gonna be a messy weekend.

The bedrooms are well furnished. I may be in the kids’ room, but the couple’s rooms have huge beds with plush duvets. There’s also a sleep out a distance from the main house. Our room, however is the only one that has toys. The couple’s can have their adult bedding, we have an extendable lightsaber, plush wolf, and blue dolphin night light.

The bathroom looks like it belongs in the aforementioned Cottage Life magazine. It’s all stone flooring, with a black toilet and shower. Oh, and a MOTHERFUCKING JACUZZI. They’re not here to fuck spiders.

You know what? We’ve got burgers coming off the grill and enough alcohol to kill several elephants. I think I’ve gotta leave you folks and get back to Cottage Life.

Otherwise what am I? Pedestrian? Hell no. Give me a few beers and I’ll be in that suit of armour.

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