Taco my word for it.

We had Taco Night the other evening and I’m still thinking about it. On one hand, my gratuitous fanboyism for corn didn’t hurt. On the other hand, corn was the limiting factor preventing my enjoyment of the meal from slipping into utter adoration.

I’ll explain.

Firm corn tortillas can go and fuck themselves. I’ve said and I’ll fervently stand by it. They’re a disaster waiting to happen. Do you know anyone who can eat firm corn tacos without making a mess? They’re the kind of people who get straight A’s throughout schooling, dominate sports and play 12 instruments. They’re irritatingly perfect plastic people and they go on to be utterly successful in life. In short, if you can eat tacos neatly you’re infuriating and maybe can you restructure my life in some sweeping pygmalion makeover? Please and thank you.

There’s no winning with a firm corn taco. Bite the thing up top and the two dimetrodon style spines will snap in twain, causing fillings to tumble everywhere. You can crunch down the bottom, the sturdiest part of the structure. Inevitably though, that leads to a cascade of upper toppings making acquaintances with your eyes. You can try to split the difference and go for the median, but being one degree off will lead to utter ruin. Furthermore, you can’t even hold a taco flat. Otherwise any fluctuations can cause meat juices to slide back to the plate. So you have to angle it like a slide towards your gaping maw, causing you to tilt your head like you’re drinking from one of those school fountains.

Then there’s the distribution issue. If it were an item that fit neatly into your mouth, there wouldn’t be an issue. Burritos being case in point. You lie everything side by side and the meal is hunky dory. With a taco, because of the aforementioned structural weakness you need to eat procedurally. Bottom, then middle, then top. Is that how you construct a taco though? NO. You do layers from the bottom to top. You have your meat/beans, then cheese, then tomato, then lettuce. This means you can’t get a bite of all flavours running naturally together. It’s like having a salad, but segmenting everything out and eating from each section one after another. What kind of sociopath does that? Look, this dude may be talking about a burrito, but the notion is the same.

Flour tortillas? You get a pass. You’re soft enough to not suffer the structural issues of your fuck up (but still terrifyingly common) brother.

Also we made mexican beans. They were super easy and crazy delicious. The next time I have a taco night you’re invited, you fetching fibrous fellows. Flour tortillas can come too. Corn tacos once again can stay home and go fuck themselves. Stick to the cobs, you non-miraculous fucks.


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