Pier-rot in hell you monstrous circus bastards.

My biggest fear is coming to life. No, not dying alone or with company in a dead bedroom. CLOWNS. Not mere clowns, but KLOWNS, even. Have you read this?


This is a very real nightmare made flesh. This is the plot of Killer Klowns from Outer Space happening in Greenville, South Carolina. This is my phobia and as a grown ass man I have no idea how I’d handle the situation. I have mild coulrophobia. I don’t shut down when I see a clown or anything, but there’s definitely a localised pressure in my chest and a shortness of breath. Tunnel vision happens and I just want to escape from the situation (clown) causing this sensation. I don’t think I could handle a creepy clown offering me money to follow it into the woods.

Blinking green noses, rattling chains, exorbitant amounts of cash. These beings are either aliens, vengeful geists or The Joker’s gang crafting a trap for Batman. Why small town South Carolina is being plagued by these aberrations of sanity is anyone’s guess. I extend my deepest empathy for the denizens of Greenville.

If I had a child and they told me that clowns were tempting them, I wouldn’t even call the police. I’d gather up my family, drop a match on everything we held dear, get in the car and leave immediately. I would not hesitate. I wouldn’t, as some of the residents of the above apartment block did, start firing shots into the woods. Did they think about the possibility of stray bullets hitting innocents? South Carolina, eh?

What is it with sadistic weirdos capitalising on It‘s legacy of terror? Stalking the night armed with a sledgehammer? This extended series of pranks? I’ve never understood the allure of prank humour. It’s a form that purely takes advantage of others. Nine times out of ten it’s punching down, which is bullying by any other name. The exception being when the joke is targeted at those in a position of power or influence. Even then it’s a thin tightrope to walk. Chris Pratt being spooked in a hallway by some rad T-Rex suits? He knows how to take a joke, that’s a well chosen target.

Re-enacting the plot of Killer Klowns in small town USA? Maybe leave the kids out of it.


One response to “Pier-rot in hell you monstrous circus bastards.

  1. I never understood why people are afraid of clowns. But I am terrified of snakes. And women that are taller than me.

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