More than tutelage.

It’s late. I’m at work. The cleaners are doing their rounds, which offers me an amount of snooping I’m not used to. Why is it that my bin is sometimes cleared, sometimes not? How much cleaning do they really do? Are they gonna do more because I’m sitting right here? Is it kind of awkward being here, typing away when she’s just doing her job? Like, I don’t really want her to have to work around me, but I’m also happy to let her just not clean my desk area tonight. I can go a day without a clean desk. Hell, if you’d seen the dust and pubes on the floor where I live…

Oh, I guess it’s worth saying that I’m not drowning in work or anything. I had a little Pawdcast prep to do (the results of which you can hear right here) and figured it’d be easier staying downtown than schlepping all about the city. It may not sound like it, but there is some manner of note taking and planning that goes into the rambling mess of two grown men debating about a kids’ movie. After this I might head down to the waterfront and see how things are in the wake of the Jack Layton Ferry Terminal’s Pokémon purification.

Things in todayness: Therapy is finished for the year.

It sucks, but my therapy has wrapped up for 2016. Since we’ve moved onwards to a new benefits provider, my funds for therapy have dried up. We’re going down from $1500 per year to $500 which, presently, is enough for around three sessions. Hardly enough to sort anything. It sucks, because we’ve got a great dynamic and had actually been making quite a bit of headway recently. Today’s session was excellent and really hit on a few sticking points. Thing was, since we were in a rush we couldn’t dig as deeply as we wanted. I know I keep using the collective pronoun, but it truly has felt like a collaborative effort. One of us will throw an idea out and we’ll each poke at it. I might mention an insecurity I have or tension I’ve been feeling and we’ll try to analyse where that’s come from. Today for instance, since we were finishing up, I had to return a book (More Than Two) of hers I’d borrowed months ago (and hadn’t even read at all until this morning). Starting at breakfast I’d read ravenously and devoured as much as I could. It was overflowing with outstanding points and I felt dumb for having wasted the opportunity. It raised a bunch of concerns I’d had about myself in relationships, my responses to jealousy and insecurity, all in a relatable and concise manner. Using this and a few pull quotes I brandished, we were able to pick apart my emotional responses and come up with strategies for managing these responses. All great stuff.

My therapist said to keep in contact, that she’d been enjoying our rare style and that she’d try and push stuff around to see if she could find a workable rate. Who knows? She could say that to ‘all the boys’. Still, I know it’d be immensely helpful to be able to continue therapy with regularity. For now though, I’ll have to do that work myself. Expect the return of Deep Digging Soul Searching Leon. Christ. Maybe I even start dating again.

The cleaners have left. I’ve been here long enough. Bonne nuit tout le monde!

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