I had a date planned for tonight, but said date cancelled. It was basically the best news I had all day. It meant I was free to go and play Magic with friends.
It’s not like this person was in any way someone I didn’t want to see. She seems perfectly agreeable from our online exchanges. I’ve never met her, so there’s no judgement. For all I know she’s an amazing person who has some kind of place in my greater social strata. She felt ill so we called it off. We’ll meet up eventually. As you can tell from the above words, neither of us is really tumbling over ourselves to make it happen. In fact, I set the date, then found out that Magic was happening. Once I knew people were playing, the FOMO ate away at me and I secretly hoped she’d reschedule. This should be taken less as a slight on her and more as an indication of how much I enjoy playing magic.
I thought about this and realised something wasn’t right. Intentionality is big with me. Time’s a finite resource and I try to stack mine with things that hold the max appeal. I’m going along to play tonight because it’s something I’m excited about doing. Spending time with friends, messing around with card interactions, making strategic decisions, that sounds like a blast. Sitting across the table from a new person and developing a greater appreciation for the things that make them who they are sounded neat too, but in this case it felt… less neat. If that’s how I felt about the interaction, then why was I prioritising it above what I knew I’d enjoy?
Since dipping into poly I’ve been doing very little dating. I had a nice thing going with a great gal for a while, but it wasn’t exactly what I was looking for. Since then I’ve felt like I’ve had to push myself to get out there. Hence this date. I hope this isn’t making it sound like she’s a drag. I’m sure she’s not and as I mentioned, I could walk in lukewarm and leave smitten. The big problem could be that we haven’t met face to face yet. It’s a chasm of difference. If someone is a photo and some words, they’re still not really a person to you. Feeling the warmth of their energy, seeing how they take the world in, that’s when someone becomes real. The process of getting to making a date involved posting on a group, chatting to a few women and feeling like I might as well see what kind of people they were.
Might as well. Is this where I’m existing right now? How much intentionality is there to might as well? Might as well is how you feel about putting on a load of washing when you’re home all day. Might as well is upgrading your soda size because it costs 20c more. Might as well is letting circumstance lead you instead of taking the reins. If my intention is to put myself out there and form connections that enrich my life, then might as well is ceding to mediocrity.
What happened to Fuck Yes or No? Did it take a back seat to my insecurities? Am I pushing myself into dating people not because I’m excited about them, but because I’m afraid of feeling alone while my girlfriend falls in love with others? She tends to crush on new people easily, I don’t. None of that is judgement on her. I’m absurdly picky, but when I fall for someone I fall hard. Why am I setting myself up to fail rather than fall? What’s the point of following after things if I’m not prepared to rush head first? Why bother if it doesn’t mean anything to me? I’m living in a beautiful city filled with amazing, interesting people. Why aren’t I talking to them?
I might as well 🙂