It’s performance review time, so I might as well take this space to work through all the subtle nuances of my position, my aspirations and ambition mixing with the trials and tribulations of the quotidian. You folks are fine with that, right? Let’s go!
- I would like to get MeUndies as a sponsor for the Pawdcast. Primarily because I don’t like paying for anything, let alone underwear. Also because I’ve heard that modal (pron: mow-dahl) is way softer than cotton.
- I’m tenacious in short bursts, after which I combust into a fiery ball of can’t be fucked.
- I walk very quickly, which means I don’t waste as much time with my copious visits to the toilet.
- I work at a rapid pace and seek other ways to occupy myself when I’ve finished. They’re all work related. Obviously.
- I show initiative and rarely wait around for answers. I often contact the concerned party physically, leading many in the building to mistakenly believe I can teleport.
- I very rarely miss a day because taking time off makes me feel uneasy. This results in large blocks of absence when I’m forced to take all my leave on threat of forfeitting it.
- I can’t teleport.
- An overabundance of coffee can lead to temporary bouts of creative insanity. Thus the creation of the Air Bud Pawdcast.
- I often stare into the space between the physical and spiritual realms, thinking of the Air Bud Pawdcast.
- I don’t own a single pair of MeUndies underwear. Due to their lack of sponsorship of the Air Bud Pawdcast.
- I sometimes create elaborate conversations as an excuse to shoehorn in a mention of the Air Bud Pawdcast.
2017 Individual Business Objectives
- To not be doing this same job by this time next year.
- To set a new speed record for the work slide.
- To have a balanced, respectful, informed debate with that eerily quiet guy on the team who’s been in this same job for the past eight years.
Measures of Success
- I’ll have a desk dehumidifier by that point, which will measure the amount of moisture my eyes produce with the daily realisation that my life is going nowhere.
- Empirical evidence. Coworkers at the top and bottom holding stopwatches. No comment on weather or not I dress in full body spandex and line the interior with lead weights.
- Hard to tell. Anderson Cooper will be the judge of that.
General Areas of Improvement
- To remember the names of everyone in the building.
- Stop getting a static shock whenever I touch anything from the months of October through February.
- Increase team motivation.
How you will work on these
- Anyone I don’t remember, I will attach a name tag to the bridge of their nose by push pin.
- Cover the entire building in bubble wrap.
- I didn’t purchase this cheerleader outfit for nothing.
Well if that isn’t a glowing portrait of an exemplary employee, I don’t know what is.