I’m nothing but a shifty cond-man.

If you’re into Rick & Morty and missed the surprise season three episode one drop yesterday, maybe you should go take care of that. I’ll wait. Very minor plot details may follow.

*******

Now that you’re back, how tickled were you by the McDonalds Szechuan sauce running gag? It feels like Limited Edition Zelda Nintendo 3DS all over again. At some point I think Justin Roiland like tossing stuff into the show in the hopes of getting freebies. If it makes for entertaining TV, I’m all for it. The Szechuan sauce joke, however, had legs. The conceit is that back in 1998, as a promotional tie-in with the release of Disney’s Mulan, McDonalds had a limited edition Szechuan sauce. According to Rick, it’s the prime motivation in his character arc, getting more of that sweet, spicy sauce. In the real world, because rabid R&M fans exist, there was already a change.org petition that Justin Roiland linked on Twitter. With the future release of a live action Mulan on the horizon, is there any better time to generate groundswell? Fingers crossed. I’m jazzed enough from the bit that I’ve already considered having home made nuggets for dinner tonight, all to go with some sexy szechuan on the side.

Anyway. I’m a condiment person through and through. Here are my favourite condiments (in no particular order), for your consideration:

  • Tomato Sauce (or Ketchup in North America). It’s a classic. It’s sweet and savoury, plus it goes on practically anything. Any time I have mashed potatoes, they’ll run red with sauce. I used to have fish and chips a lot back home and I’d always squeeze on some lemon then douse them in tomato sauce. These days I have greens and carrots pretty damn often. I’ve found that by sprinkling lemon juice and tomato sauce over the top, my brain almost thinks I’m eating fish and chips. It’s like a mind-hack for a brain with crossed wires. In a similar fashion, tomato sauce and yellow mustard as a combo makes me enjoy yellow mustard (otherwise the least exciting of all mustards), because of the mental association with sausages and burgers. My favourite brands is not Heinz, but MasterFoods. It has the sweetness and consistency I enjoy.
  • Sriracha. There’s a low level spice and pleasant combination of flavours that lends itself to a ton of dishes. If I’m wanting to add a tiny kick to a dish, or cheat on blending in spices, I’ll often squirt some in. I’m a fan of the Huy Fong Foods brand, or rather the one with the rooster on the bottle. Because I’m a basic pleb like everyone else. Sriracha Mayo has gotten to be a little overrated, but it’s still bitchin’ with kumara fries.
  • Garlic Aoli. Speaking of kumara fries, garlic aoli is the classic. It’s really easy too, just mayo, salt, garlic, olive oil and lemon juice. It’s great thick and cold served with hot roast veggies. I’d eat more of it, but if I made it I’d never stop eating it. My life from that point onwards would be seeking out foods to eat with aoli, ad infinitum.
  • Tartar. What even is tartar sauce? A quick google says it’s basically the same as aoli, but with pickle relish and minced onion in place of garlic/olive oil. Tartar is good specifically with deep fried fish. That’s how it’s earned its place on the list. When I come to think of it though, I probably prefer sriracha mayo or my dear tomato/lemon juice combo. So you know what? Fuck you tartar, you’ve lost your hard won place. The king is dead, long live the king.
  • Mustard. Dijon is fine, multi grain is great, dijonnaise has its place. The king of all mustards though? Colman’s English Mustard. It’s got the right spice and taste. Nothing is better on corned/roast beef or thickly sliced ham. If you’re dining with your grandma and she brings a pottle of this shit out, your night and anal rings are gonna be set ablaze. I fucking love this stuff and it’s been too long since I’ve eaten it.
  • Sweet Chilli Sauce. Not just because of its god tier combo with cream cheese, sweet chilli lightens up most meals. It’s a joy whenever you see it come to the table. Fried stuff? Sweet chilli is great. Mashed potatoes or green veggies? Sweet Chilli does its job. Anything chicken? You’re way past sorted.

The list isn’t exhaustive. BBQ sauce is all well and good. Sweet and sour is fine. There are some really nice, thick satay sauces out there. Really though, my heart is captured by the above condiments, with the exception of the traitorous impostor tartar. Will I ever get to add McDonalds Mulan inspired Szechuan to that list? If there really is a God, I may find out someday.

Who am I kidding? God is dead, long live the sauce!

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