If the Snapchat Ghost has a tongue, does it have a digestive tract?
Today’s million dollar idea: A matchmaker private eye show. A clever but troubled Japanese PI delves deep into the yenta lifestyle in order to combat their deep seated loneliness. They use unconventional means to find the exact match for their clients. So I guess it’s kind of like House too. They’ll raid trash bins, hack computers and national databases, sting operations (thinking To Catch A Predator) to weed out bad traits. Let’s see, what could be the catch. Oh, I know, they only deal with the uber rich and famous. Wait for it… it’s ’cause they need to find people to love them authentically rather than just for their money.
Why does the matchmaker drop out from the PI world? Maybe they have some kind of health problem. Like they have a crazy rare disease that can only be cured by an exorbitantly expensive designer drug. Definitely trust issues too. But under their stony exterior they have a heart of gold, which is why they can only match clients who are filled to the brim with goodness. Oooh, maybe they could match LGBT+++ clients whose out status would make them a target for hate or something? And their father is an ultra conservative politician. Like, The President or something. And we’ll call it… Private Ai. Cause her name is Ai.
I need a writer’s room, stat!
Speaking of things that were made without the aid of a writer’s room, I saw this trailer last night and it looks so fucking dumb. It’s called Hotel Artemis. They’ve basically taken the idea of the armistice hotel from John Wick and turned it into a fully fledged film. This time, however, it’s a hospital instead. Even better, it’s my absolutely favourite type of action film. A SIEGE FILM. So criminals/assassins have to fortify a location without weapons against an invading mob force bent on getting some expensive MacGuffin. Expect martial arts chicanery and a complete abuse of the laws of physics. Also a fucking STACKED cast that makes no sense in such a throwaway film. Jodie Foster, Jeff Goldblum, Brian Tyree Henry (Atlanta), Jenny Slate, Charlie Day, Zachary Quinto and weirdly, Father John Misty himself.
Why does this movie exist? Can I even wait until cheap Tuesday to get a ticket?
Oh, on the subject of tickets, if you’re in Toronto you should get some for my friend’s show. I’ve shilled for it before and I won’t stop until it’s over. It’s called Avengerdale: Age of Archie. Post Infinity War, The Avengers do some kind of witness protection or something as teachers at Riverdale. It’s a rock opera comedy that’s ALSO a charity event. As an audience, you can buy drinks for the actors. The more they drink, the harder it gets for them to perform their roles. Hilarity ensues, everybody wins! Really though, my friend is an absurdly talented playwright and dramaturge. Everything I’ve seen of his has been spectacular and this is sure to be a spectacle. GET TICKETS. ENJOY. ?????? PROFIT.
Speaking of Charity, it’s a great new song by Courtney Barnett. Enjoy!