Well last night was a wild ride.
It wasn’t meant to be this way. I had plans. I was going on a date, then meeting friends for disco dancing later on. Simple. Uncomplicated. It didn’t work out like that at all.
Firstly, the date. To be honest, I was pretty ho hum about it in the first place. It more felt like I was going on a date for going on a date’s sake. Sometimes it’s nice to meet someone new, be charming and riff a bunch. It was a friend of a friend, and I know this friend to have good taste in friends. She’s my friend after all, right? To her credit, the date seemed like a nice person, but I wasn’t excited about it. A while back I resolved to quit it with dating for the hell of it. It was gonna be Fuck Yes or No. Zero time to mess around with anything I wasn’t enthusiastic about. As the Aussies say, I’m not here to fuck spiders. We were gonna grab drinks and go out for dinner. Then she messaged to say she was working late, could we meet up at 9? It felt shitty to get someone to go out of their way to meet up, then leave an hour and a half later to go dance with friends. I suggested we maybe push it to another night. Now I’ve gotta figure out how to nicely tell her that my heart isn’t really in it, but that’s a qualm for another day.
Turns out my friends who were into dancing all backed out, so I had no plans. I messaged around but everyone flaked. Bummer. Maybe I should’ve just gone on the date? Nope! I resolved to drink at home alone instead, like a reasonable adult. I started watching some shitty Netflix romcom called Set It Up. It was not chill. Eschewing “show, don’t tell” for heavy handed spoken exposition, it had all the subtlety of a brick. The leads were charmless and, almost an hour in, the characters they were trying to set up were too unlikeable to root for. Don’t get me wrong, I legitimately love romcoms. I just hate shitty movies.
I posted on Facebook “I’m drunk and hate watching Set It Up. AMA.” The questions flooded in. What was Set It Up? Why would I do this to myself? I moaned about the film and praised the oven fries I made, which were more substantive than anything in the film. In the Meantime (thanks Spacehog), friends messaged me that they were heading to a “club” club with the guy’s old uni mates. I hate clubs more than most things, but not as much as I love an adventure after 6 or 7 drinks. He said he’d pay my cover and line skip if I came along. I was in, and the AMA changed course. It was now a club live tweet. I could give a wrap up, but unlike Set It Up, I understand “show, don’t tell”. Here we go:
“Plot twist, I’m gonna meet friends at a “club” club. My most hated environment. This has potential for much better character development than anything in this film.
I’m gonna bribe the bouncer like a cool dude, but my secret? I have earplugs in my pocket. I’m not even close to being cool.
I paid $20 for line skip, which put me in a shorter line. There are several tiers here and I’m a second class citizen. So, business as normal.
Do bartenders get bored of Jaegerbombs? Is this how the industry gets RSI?
How many Mackelmore clones are in this place? Is this a front for his new music video?
Some guy called, Tyler sincerely complimented me on my smile while waiting in line for overpriced drinks. I think I just had a genuine conversation with a human being.
My mum just sent me a photo of her trademark brown sugar and soy ribs and frankly, it’s more enticing than anything happening in this club.
We somehow managed to finagle ourselves into the VIP area. Man, wealthy people have no idea how to have fun. They’re not even dancing.
People are doing selfies in the DJ booth, but also not dancing whatsoever. Maintaining an image is hard work.
I met some Aussie dude and we did the Macarena then chatted about Accent Privilege. Basically my generic club experience.
Overall, the greatest trick the devil ever pulled was to convince the club he didn’t bring a knee brace. I’m too old for this shit.”
And now I’m on a boat, going to a clothing optional beach so I can take up that option. Life’s can be a rollercoaster if you let it in.