I saw Cats (2019). Spoilers will follow. This movie has left my brain a dense mush, so we’re doing this in bullet point, baby.
- Cats (2019) is what happens when someone has a dream, a budget of $95 million, and a ceaseless erection draining all the blood from their brain.
- I was told that this movie was rampantly horny and frankly, the sexuality was undersold.
- The movie is both incredibly unsettling and unerringly perverted in every second of its runtime.
- You will never get comfortable with the uncanny valley nature of the film. This is just part of the experience.
- The animation looks like they worked really hard for a while, got 70% of the way there but just wanted to be home by 5pm and called it.
- Cats is the kind of film that collapses under its own weight if you ask any questions, and you will not stop asking questions once you leave the theatre.
- You will spend most of the film seriously asking yourself “would I fuck a cat?” At this moment, I think I just haven’t met the right one yet.
- The body horror is palpable. There’s something discomforting about every character’s animation, and it’s unique for that character. Sometimes actors’ faces look like they’re floating. This is normal.
- Jason Derulo’s furry neck tuft is kind of cool, but it also is maybe sentient? It moves in a way that’s not flush with the rest of his body, and is not affected by wind or motion.
- James Corden’s proportions are alarming. His legs are not appropriately large enough for his body shape, and he looks like a furry anthropomorphic burger with limbs.
- Ian McKellen is a fucking treasure, and commits 120% to the role. Is it beyond silly? Immeasurably. Will you be on his side? Unconditionally.
- There’s a cat who wears bright red pants and suspenders. For at least three scenes this cat is unnamed, and draws all the focus as soon as he’s on screen. It’s a mind-boggling directorial choice.
- There are liberties taken with certain actors’ CGI. Idris Alba has defined cat abs. Taylor Swift’s breasts are eerily shapely in comparison to every other female cat, like her fur has formed its own bra.
- At one point a character unzips a literal cat fur suit, and the implications are beyond frightening.
- The movie refuses to address scale. It changes on a whim and it’s never comfortable. There are two forks of woefully different sizes.
- Why do some cats have clothes? What animals are those fur coats made of? How do the cats feel about that? The movie outright refuses to explain.
- Cats wearing clothes is odd enough, and raises a lot of questions about the means of production these cats control. Despite this, as soon as cats wear sneakers it gets somehow worse.
- Looking in the bathroom mirror, I took stock of my body. I felt at peace with the proportions I saw reflected back, then I shook myself off and returned to the nightmare.
- At some point during the film I left to go to the bathroom. I saw a couple arguing outside about how bad the film was. To be clear, neither of them were saying the film was good. Merely that it was worse than the other thought.
- That “Mr. Mistoffelees” song is still a fucking banger. We stan.
- It’s an Emperor’s New Clothes parable for the modern age that so much money was put into this film, so many people were involved and nobody at any link of the chain stopped to ask not if they could, but if they should. This movie is fucking trash. It’s utter nonsense. It’s so poorly plotted, and it’s impossible to put aside its faults to focus on what they were trying to do. The audience started guffawing as soon as the cats were shown, and a low rumble of chuckles permeated the entire screening.
- Our screening was CHAOTIC. It organically took on a life of its own. A group of four left after 30 minutes. A woman in the row in front of me exclaimed “ALREADY?” We all clapped and cheered furiously after every single song. We stood in respect after “Moonlight”. Sometimes people would make loud involuntary groans, and you knew exactly how they felt. We were far from the only group audibly heckling, and it was the most comforting, communal experience I’ve ever had in a cinema.
- It’s inexplicable how quickly the “rules” of movie-going went out the window. People just didn’t care. The concept of having respect for the cinema collapsed once we understood how little respect the film paid to its audience. We all expected to be kicked out or talked to. We weren’t.
- I will see this movie again. Probably many times. It’s destined to become a regular midnight cult film, and I can’t wait to see what call and responses develop. The cost to fun ratio of the $14 I paid for my ticket was astronomical.
See. This. Film. The nightmares are just part of it.