Watch your back, and don’t front on me now.
Did you know that it’s possible to make a mood ring style toilet seat? A friend commented that people probably wouldn’t stay on the seat long enough to get the full effect. I, a pooping connoisseur, was about to correct them, then realised that I don’t stay on the seat long enough. For a while I’ve known that when I go #2, the peeing part of the equation often takes longer than the alternative. I read a study recently whereby they found that most mammals, regardless of size, take about 20 seconds to empty their bladders. It’s probably safe to assume then, that I take less than 20 seconds to drop a dump. Just one or two pushes, and it all comes out. I know this is unusual, and I’m happy to consider it remarkable. It’s a skill. But it’s also buoyed by a high fibre diet and a few cups of coffee. While sitting on the toilet considering all this, I started to wonder if that would be a useful skill in an apocalyptic environment. It would definitely lessen the amount of time spent in a vulnerable position. Then I realised that since it’s partially attributable to coffee, I might not have the same capacity for quickness in that sort of scenario. Then I pondered if coffee would be a useful substance for a medieval army. Would it liven up battle weary warriors? Was coffee around in those days? If not coffee, were there other stimulants? Was snuff a thing? Is snuff even a stimulant? What is snuff, now that I think about it? Then I finished my poop.
The above ramblings brought to you by two big mugs o’ joe. And thanks to this reddit thread for answering my questions.
I must confess, I’m writing right now, but I want to be doing anything but writing. Nothing against y’all or this, but there are SO MANY great options for me right now:
- It’s not warm outside, but the sun is bright and it’s a gorgeous day. I could be out there in my onesie or something.
- There’s a big Magic tournament being broadcast, and there’s a ton of interesting stuff going on in the game at the moment.
- I could even be playing Magic. The most recent limited format is amazing. I just had a match with someone that took over an hour, and it was down to the wire in almost every game. Tight matches, we were pretty evenly matched (in that we both made mistakes and strong plays). The games involved tiny incremental advantages and long game strategies. It was such a gripping match. I kept yelling out to my girlfriend (still wrapped up warm in bed) about how tight the twist and turns were. It was such a good game that honestly, I didn’t care who won. I just felt stoked to be enjoying the flow so much. I ended up taking the third and final game, and almost felt like I needed a cigarette at its summation. It’s times like these that I wish I could’ve actually chatted with my opponent to tell them how greatly I was enjoying our competition, and wished them a nice day. C’mon Wizards, give us a “Have a nice day” emote already, you cowards.
- I haven’t eaten a ton today, and the kitchen is stocked with great food. We even have four types of cheese (five, including Cottage).
- Twitter is filled with memes mocking Trump for his circular fake tan disaster photo. While usually I’m against teasing people about their appearance, I’m very fine with this instance for several reasons: Trump continuously punches down and shits on people for things out of their control. He demeans people because of the way they look, their weight or anything he can pick at. He’s a bitter, narcissistic and vain man who has no capacity for criticism. Better yet, he does his own makeup and does a terrible fucking job. Best of all, he’s obviously stewing as the world sits back and relentlessly mocks him. I know just how mad it will make him, and there’s little that makes me happier than the idea of Trump parading around throwing an infantile temper tantrum because he didn’t get his way.
- I still haven’t watched Uncut Gems and I know just how anxious that film will make me. What better day to stay inside and let my organs tremble?
Well now I have the time to do all of that. Catch y’all on the flipside.