Hey friends, I’m kinda frustrated because my computer is having boot issues and won’t start up properly. I don’t have the mental energy to do something creative, so I’ve fished up one of those Myspace surveys off the internet, and I’ll do that.
Can you whistle?
Scariest thrill ride you’ve been on?
Some old wooden coaster at Canada’s Wonderland. A couple of termites away from a real nightmare.
Where is your favorite place on earth?
A bathroom when I need to poop.
How did you lose your virginity?
Awkwardly with my first girlfriend.
Most awkward kiss?
I’ve definitely told this story before. I hooked up with someone, and she was like “oh, you’re a terrible kisser”. So she taught me how to kiss and since then, it’s all been peachy.
Whats the last song you danced to?
The Pringles Dick song from Harmontown.
Ever had a stalker?
We live on the internet now. I’m almost certain I have.
Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near?
Much like a bird, I have hollow bones. But I’ve filled mine with bird hormones.
How do you think you’re going to die?
Mercury poisoning. Do you know how much tuna I eat?
What’s your favorite thing about yourself?
I like how my brain works almost as much as I hate how it works.
Would you eat peanut butter out of your best friend’s belly button?
For a dollar? Sure. Anything less and probably, but I’d be disappointed. Not angry. Just disappointed.
Play any sports?
Does Magic count? I think it aired on ESPN once or twice.
Ever been to a concert?
Many many many.
Who did you last hang out with?
My girlfriend before she went to work. Also some cute dogs at a pet store.
Favorite thing to do in the summer … in bed?
Procrastinate over getting vertical while fucking around on my phone.
Something you hate to do?
Ironing. I loathe it.
If there was a spider, how would you kill that shit?
Honestly, I’d probably take it outside. If not? SPLAT SPLAT MOTHERFUCKER.
Who knows you best?
Definitely not Facebook. I’ve been blocking every single page/ad it recommends to me. I have over 700 blocked pages by this point. I keep removing the interests it garners for me, so it finds more. Last time I checked it was like “you like golf, philosophy and France”. It’s partly a “fuck you Zucc” move, and partly wanting to see what happens if I fuck with their algorithms.
What’s your earthquake escape plan?
My fingernails are getting long, so I might burrow beneath the earth like a goddamn mole and wait it out.
What part of your body needs a massage?
My neck, my back, and you know the rest.
Last thing you put in your hair?
Ever had a pogo stick or a Scooter or bike or car or horse or legs or a lai or a latte?
What year did you discover MySpace and how did it make you feel?
I have no idea, but I thought it was a fucked up Geocities site.
How many kids do you have or want to have?
Don’t have kids, do want kids, but also if I could clone myself I’d probably do that instead.
What kind of things did you see today?
The inside of my computer, a lot of dust, two dogs at the pet store. An atom splitting itself.
Best bargain airline?
I fly on the Pokemon plane, or not at all.
What do you do when you are upset?
Take it out on myself.
Funniest song lyric?
“Last Friday, I took acid and mushrooms
I did not transcend, I felt like a walking piece of shit
In a stupid looking jacket.” – Car Seat Headrest “Drugs with Friends”
When was the last time you bro’d down?
April 26 1992.
Are you keeping a secret from someone close? … What is it.
I would not, in fact, see them soon.
When was the last time you threw up?
Between the hours of 2am and 7am.
Have you ever led someone on?
I don’t play like that, Jack.
What it is?
You drive a hard bargain, but sure.
What’s the last thing you drank?
Water from a blue water bottle with a sticker of an Ankylosaurus on it.
What would be the best gift ever?
Do you prefer to talk on the phone or text?
Do you believe in global warming?
That there are sub 30 years left in the world? Yessiree.
What’s the most controversial thing you support?
In the Me Too movement, I think it’s an entirely defensible position to no longer want to support artists who have done monstrous things without showing remorse or a commitment to meaningful change… while not erasing the fact that you enjoyed their work. I have zero wish to see anything Louis C.K. puts out any more. I don’t want to see new comedy he does, watch his movies or any TV shows. But I’m not gonna pretend that I didn’t love his comedy for a long long time, that many of the jokes he made aren’t funny or relevant, or that I really treasured his TV show. I’m not gonna go rewatch them, and as far as I’m concerned, whatever he has to say from now on is not something I’m interested in.
What is your current mood?
Who do you admire?
St Vincent all goddamn day every day.
Do you sing in the shower?
If I’m alone, yes. Often the Duck Tales theme song.
Are you photogenic?
With the right photographer.
What would you do if you were tickled?
Do you believe in aliens?
Yeah. I still haven’t seen the original, and Alien 3 was kinda shit, but Aliens was one of my favourite childhood movies.
What would your prison name be?
How would you handle being asked to babysit?
I would probably say no unless I really liked the person.
What do you want to do when you grow up? Retire?
If I get to the requisite size, I think I’d like to challenge Godzilla to a duel.
Is it possible to get you to move without making a noise?
I move like a whisper.
Do you wish on shooting stars?
People should not shoot stars, period.
Favorite smelling group of people?
Anyone who works at an Ol’factory.
What noise do you currently hear?
My typing. This bluetooth keyboard has a super satisfying clack, which is the only reason this sentence is as long as it is. I mean, how am I supposed to stop? Idle hands are the devil’s work or something. I can’t have that on me.