Would you? Could you? With a harpy?

Today I heard one of the worst lines ever in a show. Just monumentally bad.

A specialised police department was hunting a man who’d committed a series of violent rapes. One of the officers spoke up: “It’s like Groundhog Day… From Hell.” Who thought that was this was clever, funny or poignant enough to make it to the screen. This is a major network primetime television show. And while any number of violent sexual assaults are too many, the total number was sub ten. The pattern was similar, but it’s not like this was an identical recurring situation. Why use Groundhog Day as an example, if not out of lazy writing? Lots of things happen in similar ways fewer than ten times. Like, I dunno, serial crimes? Sunrises? Formulaic network television shows? Is that a bit too on the nose? For sure it’s no worse than Groundhog Day from Hell.

I finally got around to watching The Shape of Water last night. Fun movie, gorgeous visuals. Of course, being Del Toro, there was a sweet heart beating throughout the film. A touching story with loveable characters, gore, and glorious creature work. I went in expecting merman sex and got what I expected. Plus an engrossing story. I was incredibly surprised how nonplussed everyone was when they heard about the mer-sex. Not even mildly bemused, they all took it in stride. One day I hope we can all live in a world where sexual relations between a mute woman and aquatic non-human creature induce no more than a blink. Would I have sex with a non-human entity? As long as it was safe and consensual and pleasurable for both parties, I don’t see why not. In all honesty, it’s not a fantasy I’ve ever had, but I’ve watched enough hentai to know that others have worked out the logistics. I feel like I don’t want claws anywhere near my genitals, but tentacles seem to have been peer reviewed [more like “perv reviewed” -Ed]. I know that “goo girls” are popular. Pterodactyl porn wasn’t exactly my fetish. I feel like anything with legs that isn’t bipedal would start to get too complicated. To be real, some size differentials with humans are difficult to overcome. I can’t imagine how you’d make things work with a centaur. I mean, would satyrs be pansexual by default? Hell, isn’t COVID pretty limited to humans? Perhaps it’s downright immoral not to try to have blindfolded sex with a gorgon.

A groundhog though? That sounds like a day from Hell.

Can I give myself a Pobody award?

Who’s ready for a “dating” entry?

Contrary to how it may sound, I don’t date a lot. I love dating. I love consuming dating or relationship adjacent content. I love inserting myself vicariously into romantic situations and imagining how I’d deal with them. I think dating is this wondrous intersection of a ton of things I’m interested in. I’m fascinated by interpersonal connections and compatibility. I’m enthralled by banter, whether I’m in it or not. I like seeing people being playful, and dates are this combination of playfulness with having skin in the game. There are stakes, albeit quite low, and maybe it’s because those stakes are so low that I get sucked in. I don’t like competition, either as a participant or audience. I don’t believe in the concept of winning or losing in romance. There’s this hetero concept that shits me to the core of “taking” something from someone else in a date. Often it’s the idea of a guy “winning/earning” sex. That’s fucking dumb. Either you both want to have sex, or you don’t have it. If you’re not both into it, go get your rocks off with other people who want it. Sex doesn’t exist within a scarcity model. It’s not a limited resource, and stop treating it like it is.

It’s also easy for me to sit back and say that now. Ten years ago I had a completely different outlook. I think I was a virgin until I was about 20. I had limited experiences with sex, but basically after maybe one or two times in my first relationship, I didn’t have sex again for about three years. I wanted it, other people weren’t interested. Back then, I definitely thought the scarcity model existed. These days I’m older. I’ve had a ton more relationship experience. I’ve had exponentially more sex. It doesn’t feel like something that’s lacking, but more value added. Most importantly, I’ve been imbued with a renewed confidence that’s made dating so much easier. I’m on anti-depressants, and that’s been a massive change. I love my job, so I don’t have that mentally damaging psyche going on at all times. I like myself, I feel like a complete, self-possessed person, and it’s nice to see how I fit with others. I’m not trying to take anything from anyone, I just want to share experiences.

Tonight, for instance, I have a date. I’m excited. I have no idea how it’s gonna go. We met at an event, we flirted, made out and exchanged numbers. It might be a date that goes nowhere. It may lead to more dates. It may lead to sex but not more dates. It may lead to more dates and more sex. I’m not worried which it is. I know that I liked hanging out with her last time, that she’s cute and interesting. If we have a fun conversation, that’s great. If we have sex, that’s great too. If we don’t, and it turns out we were just hot for each other because we were drunk? Also 100% fine. We can have a nice meal, a margarita or two, and go our separate ways. I’m not invested in the outcome, other than being present and seeing what happens. It’s taken me many years, lots of anxiety, emotional breakdowns, and bad experiences in general to understand what the stakes are. Honestly, worst possible outcome at the moment is she gives me COVID-19. Bad end.

Also as an addendum to something I wrote yesterday. I was talking about having conversations with gay guys, and eventually dating them. I highlighted dating a Magic player as a possibility. Firstly, it’s not like only dudes play Magic. My first girlfriend did too. It’s how we met, and that part of the relationship was great. I also realised that while I’d love to date a Magic player, I have a legit fear of dating a Magic player who’s significantly worse than I am. That would be a fucking horrorshow. Imagine having to constantly explain shit about the game without being condescending? Imagine having to take the game slow, or teach someone about limited? Playing this game is a big part of my life, and making something I love into a chore would actually be a total nightmare. I would exponentially rather date a non-player than having to deal with experience inequality on that scale. I’m not defending this, but it’s 1000% true.

Nobody’s Nerfect, y’know?

Not *just* a sentient fuckhole, by any means

Quelle surprise, I’m actually having a nice conversation with someone on Grindr.

I dunno, I’ve been on for a few weeks, and I’m learning over time. I’ve only had two hookups so far, and they were drastically different. I’m open to more, but I also haven’t found a super intense pull towards many folks yet. I’m very happy to take my time and continue with a “fuck yes or no” mentality. It’s become abundantly clear that Grindr hookups do not function on a scarcity model. If I wanted to have sex, realistically I could probably be doing it (literally) within the span of an hour [zero to one hung dude in 60 minutes? – Ed]. Gay guys be thirsty, yo. Everyone’s on there to throw down, and it’s rare to find anyone whose looking for section on their profile doesn’t have “right now”. The honest truth though is that it’s cold out, I like playing Magic, and the concept sex on tap without any of the fun dating stuff rarely entices me enough that it’s worth leaving the house solely to bone. Sex is great, but I don’t think that there’s anyone in the world attractive enough for me to drop everything just for the sake of a fuck. Not yucking anyone’s yum, it’s just not my style.

So imagine my delight when someone actually wants to have a conversation. None of this “hey” bullshit, or shooting directly for hookup central. Instead we’ve been chatting. I’m always honest on Grindr about what I’m looking for, and happy to talk if people seem interesting. To me, it’s having a conversation for the sake of it. Maybe it’ll lead somewhere, maybe it won’t. I don’t think that if someone talks with me like a normal human, they’re instantly entitled to have sex with me. If the conversation takes a weird turn, or I feel less safe/secure around them, I’ll drop it like it’s hot. There was some guy in early days that I was interested in meeting up with, but at the 11th hour I got weird vibes and noped out. Once or twice a week he messages me saying “hey stud”, which feels worse. Stud? STUD? The word just feels so antiquated to me. What’s next? Hunk? I don’t identify with it. That’s for sure.

Instead, this dude and I are talking about puns, experiences we’ve had, etc. I mentioned how nice it was to not be treated like a sentient fuckhole for once. He said that as a black guy, he tends to be shoehorned into people’s specific fantasies, with his humanity often disregarded. To others, he’s BBC and that’s it. Which seems a goddamn shame because he’s been cracking jokes and has a sense of humour. What a bloody waste if folks don’t see that. I have no idea whether or not we’ll hook up or not, but it hasn’t even been mentioned yet. Maybe we will, maybe we won’t, but it’s literally the first time I’ve had this experience since I’ve been on this app. It gives me some hope that once I figure out what kind of stuff I’m into, there will be guys who I’d enjoy dating.

Maybe I’ll even meet a dude who likes playing Magic. Will the wonders never cease?

Let’s talk about ex baby. It’s called an ‘adult’

I’ve found a new show that matches my dating show needs.

It’s called Back with the Ex. Australian show on Netflix. BwtE’s title should be self-explanatory, but if I solely let things talk for themselves, there wouldn’t be much point in me talking about them. The premise of the show is that they’ve rounded up a bunch of ex couples willing to give it another go. The ages and situations all range. One couple had been off and on, another couple fell out as a result of cheating, another had done long distance over two decades ago. Firstly, being Australian, everyone’s pretty good looking. More importantly, it scratches the itch of what I’m looking for with one of these dating shows. I’m not interested in a bunch of women fawning over a dude, or people trying to out-game each other. What I’m looking for in a dating show is to see how different personalities intersect, and how prospective couples navigate heightened spaces. I want to see them negotiate, and use their problem solving to work through issues. That’s not The Bachelor territory.

I’ve watched all of one episode. What I do appreciate about this show in particular, is how it showcases emotions that can’t be faked. With each couple, they’d filmed the moment that they first laid eyes on each other after a hiatus. The couples all varied in approach. Some were tentative, felt awkward or cagey. The older couple was fantastic. The scenario is that they’d broken up 28 years prior. The gal lived in America and the guy lived in Australia. At the time, logistical obstacles got in the way and they called it quits. The first time they saw one another was electric. They both trembled, immediately embraced and kissed. They’d gone from knowing each other in their twenties, to being around 50. It was so warm and engrossing to see. They were utterly excited and enraptured. Overall with this show, it’s great to see both sides coming in trying to make it work. I’m guessing they had to each consent to meeting up again, and it’s nice to see what happens when nobody has an angle. They’re simply gauging if they’re still compatible, or if the issues that split them are still relevant.

Mostly, as ever when it comes to these shows, it’s all about navel gazing. I’m vicariously inserting myself into these positions and asking those questions. What would it be like to meet up with my exes? Who would I meet up with? Are there any with whom I think a spark could be re-ignited? Invariably the answer is no. I don’t have a single ex that I would want to get back with. They’re not bad people, but each ex and I broke up for a reason. I knew that the long term potential wasn’t there, and it’d be foolish to pretend otherwise. The issues we faced weren’t about how we treated each other, but about sheer compatibility. There weren’t enough points of agreement, and that’s okay. Not everyone is destined for happily ever after, and it’s part of the process. I have a few exes I’m friends with. One I truly adore, but even then I wouldn’t want to rekindle an actual relationship. Her and I hang out every so often, and I’m incredibly grateful to still have her in my life. We’ll have a drunken kiss at a party every once in while. That, coupled with the emotional support and hang outs feels more like an intimate friendship. I love intimate friendships, but I only have so much time for a relationship these days.

Until that changes, I’ll just keep watching the show instead.

Back to the Grindrstone

Hey friends and strangers. I had my first ever hookup on Grindr last night, and decided to do an AMA with friends to talk about it. What follows is without a doubt not safe for work, and I want to give people the chance to opt out before reading if that’s something they’re incredibly not into. So if that’s you, maybe leave now?

 

Welcome all. Let’s kick this off. I’ve got coffee and oatmeal on hand and I’m ready to answer some questions. Also if people are only here to lurk, that’s fine too.

Q: Did you guys do the smoochies?
A: We definitely did the smooches.

Q: What motivated this male date?
A: It’s something I’ve been thinking of for a while. It’s not my first sexual experience with another guy, but I’ve been curious/interested for a while and wanted to see how I felt with a more one on one encounter. I’ve taken my time and checked in with myself over what my comfort levels were, what kind of experiences I was looking to have, and figured now was a fine time. Plus I had two days off, so lots of down time.
Q: How long did you converse (online or in-person) before getting physical?
A: Maybe a few hours. He’d messaged yesterday at around 2am, and yesterday I was actively interested in having a hookup. I messaged him back around 7pm, and we chatted a little about expectations, what we were both into, etc. He said to come over around 11pm, and he was a mere 500 metres away from home. I appreciated the convenience most of all.

Q: Also how did you find the overall Grindr experience? Was it hard to connect with someone?
A: Grindr is fucking nuts. People will lead with dick pics, and be very straightforward about what they’re looking for. That part is actually fantastic, it cuts through so much admin type stuff and gets right to it. I didn’t feel bad about rejecting or not replying to people, because I knew they’d be fine and it’d be easy for them to meet others. I’m sure this experience is probably pretty familiar for women on dating sites, but it was very new for me. Over 500 profile views in 24 hours, upwards of 60 messages.

Q: Did you learn anything new about yourself through this experience?
A: Honestly, it really reaffirmed that I’m a natural switch. I had this idea that I wanted subby experiences with guys, and yet during the experience I had to try really hard to reel myself back from taking charge. I also had some misguided idea that I’d be fundamentally different after the experience, but I was very surprised at how nothing whatsoever changed. I’m the same me I always was, and the thought of how vehement people are about homosexuality is fucking absurd. Like, I’d already stuck stuff in my butt before, it’s not like I’m at all a different person now.

Q: What drew you to this person over any others?
A: Firstly, they lived very close, and that was convenient. But also they listed stuff in their profile that I was interested in. Dom, well hung, they were attractive, and through our conversation it was evident that they were interested in having an experience where both of us would be comfortable and could have fun. I chatted with other people (and was close to doing something on Monday), but the guy couldn’t be bothered leaving his place to meet up in public first. With this guy, I felt comfortable enough to just go straight over to his place.

Q: How open were you with your date about the experience you were looking for, and how was it received?
A: I was entirely open. I told him I was bi/pan and partnered, that I’d had a handful of experiences with guys over the years, but I’d never taken a physical dick in my butt. I told him that I’d probably be a little bit of a newbie and might need to go slow with some stuff. He was A-Ok with all that. It was also kind of great knowing that this was a disposable experience. We both put out the stuff that we were interested in, kind of cross checked the lists and went “great, now we know the stuff each other wants”, and that really helped make the experience more gratifying. Zero pretence.

Q: What was your favorite moment(s)?
A: So there was this moment I was sitting on him. Feet up on the bed, shaft all the way in and I started giggling. He asked me what was up. I replied that there was this thing that happens with farmers and cows. If farmers need to give cows medicine, they do it rectally. They shove their whole arm right up in there. Now, if the cow farts, the muscles of its rectum all tighten up and break the farmer’s arm, and that was all I was thinking about right then. But luckily I didn’t need to fart.

Q: What was the dick like?
A: Bigger than me, that’s for sure. Long shaft, slightly curved. Very nice dick.

Q: Did you just use the free app or did you get the upgrades?
A: Dude, I still torrent. There’s no way I’m paying for an app. Free all the way.

Q: I know that you had met specifically for the hookup, but did you do anything outside of sexual activity (e.g. Netflix, video games, etc.). If so, was it enjoyable or awkward?
A: We were mostly there for the sex, but took breaks every once in a while. After we were all done, he’d cum and we were both exhausted, we laid back and listened to some music. He played this R&B artist Emily King who I’m listening to right now. It was nice. We did that for maybe ten minutes, then I got dressed and went. It was a nice experience, but I certainly didn’t feel any romantic connection and that was okay. He was kind, respectful and patient, and I couldn’t have asked for more.

Q: So you had anal? Was this new, or have you had it before (pegging, solo toys, etc.)? Was it stressful letting a stranger put it in your butt?
A: Anal was new for me. I have toys, but nothing huge. I’d never done it with an actual boner before. I was straight up and told him, also saying that if I really wasn’t into it, I’d just suck him off or something. He was great at easing me in, starting with fingers. He did one, two, three, and gradually opened me up, checking in that it was okay at each stage. I smoked some weed beforehand, hoping that it was relax me enough to enjoy it, and it helped a bunch. It wasn’t stressful, but it was intense and different getting used to unfamiliar sensations. A number of times I gave him a double tap and we paused for as long as I needed.

Q: Did you strictly bottom and assume more of a subby role for this encounter? You didn’t switch with each other throughout? The ol’ swapparoo?
A: I was strictly interested in the bottom/subby experience, and he wasn’t interested in the alternative anyway. We didn’t switch, For me, the idea of status play is fun, and it kind of feels like acting. Getting into a character and going with it. I had thought that maybe it would spark something in me, and afterwards I’d be like “oh this is what I was missing”. It wasn’t that life changing. I like subby stuff, and maybe it’s taught me that I’d be interested in incorporating more femdom into my sex life, but I also like taking control and giving back, and I think I just learned that it’s more of a contextual, experienced based thing for me. Plus, I’m naturally a helper, and it’s easier for me to focus on others’ pleasure than my own. Always.

Q: What is their (first) name? What did they look like? What did they smell like? What did you like most and least about a) their appearance, b) vibe, c) personality d) interests?
A: I’m terrible with names. I asked it twice, then instantly forgot each time. I honestly don’t know what his name is. He was a taller guy, soft feminine features. Not muscular, but more cuddly? Black guy, short hair and no facial hair. I have virtually no sense of smell, so I don’t remember what he smelled like. It meant a lot to me that he was kind, and willing to go at my pace. He was a touring musician, so it was pretty cool to hear a little about that, and listen to music afterwards. We honestly didn’t spend a ton of time not having sex though?

Q: How does he identify? Gay? Bi? Pan?
A: Gay, definitely. We didn’t talk a bunch about it, but it sounded like he had a bunch of casual partners, some more serious, and really enjoyed being able to have experiences.

Q: Did you talk about safe sex practices prior to doing it? i.e. testing, condom use, safewords, whatever else?
A: We did! We started off on the app talking about what we’d like to do to each other, sexual interests, etc, and getting each other warmed up. Then I was like: Sidebar, let’s get the boring admin stuff out of the way. Have you been tested, do you have anything I should be aware of? Or tension points for me to consider? Are you good with me giving a double tap every now and again if I need to pause or slow down? Condoms were a non-negotiable, and he was in for that.

Q: But was the dick PINK?
A: It was naaaaaaught, but I guess I answered this one further up.

Q: Did you not come?
A: I didn’t. This isn’t an anomaly for me. It usually takes me a while with a new partner before I do (though not always), and part of that is comfort and easing into the experience. I also lean pretty demisexual, so romantic interest is kinda important in having more gratifying encounters. Which I guess begs the question of why I’m looking for casual hookups? In a way, it’s research. I’m interested in finding out what kind of stuff I like. I don’t know if I’m romantically interested in guys, if I just like cock or being dominated, or if I do like guys romantically, but the puzzle pieces haven’t come together yet, and these experiences will help me put together a picture of what I would like my experiences outside cis women to be. I’m open to it, I’ve got zero shame around the idea, but I want to figure out what I’m into before diving in headfirst.

Q: How long was it from arriving at the house to doing it? How long was the doing it?
A: There was very little pretence. Maybe 3 minutes between walking into his room and getting down to stuff. I told him I wanted to smoke some weed first. I stripped down to my underwear, he invited me onto the bed. We made out and felt each other up a bunch. Then I was like “pause, I’d like to have that smoke now” so I did, then we got back to it. The overall experience was about two hours with short breaks.

Q: Were you hard while you were bottoming?
A: Sometimes yes, sometimes no. It varied, and wasn’t consistent. I honestly haven’t figured out to what degree I like penetration. At first it wasn’t so much painful, but getting into my head and telling myself to relax. That these sensations were new, and I was safe. We took probably a solid ten minutes to go from the tip to the shaft going in all the way. It was very intense and new, it felt better as we went on, but never to a point where I was like “oh this is fucking great and my new favourite thing.” It was more a feeling of “oh shit, there’s a very intense, non-painful but non-pleasurable sensation, and it’s distracting me enough that I can’t enjoy the pleasure part of this equation.” So not bad, but still an experience I have to work on, to see how much I enjoy it.

Q: Anticipating anal, did you do any particular prep (different cleaning, diet, etc)?
A: So the day before, when I was anticipating having an experience, I used a little douche bulb at home beforehand. Then nothing eventuated. Yesterday I was thinking about it, but also thinking more about the fact that we needed eggs, bananas and cottage cheese. So I went to the supermarket instead of douching, and hoped that wasn’t taboo. The part where this gets very interesting, is that we talked about whether or not he subbed. He said that he didn’t, he was so so on the experience and moreover, he didn’t want to have to eat a sub’s diet. I was like PLEASE TELL ME MORE. And he was like well, subs typically have a super high fibre diet to keep themselves flushed out. I was like ZOMG, I’ve had a subby diet for years and didn’t know it. So it turned out I was naturally flushed out enough that douching wasn’t necessary.

Q: Are strap-ons of interest to you now?
A: I’ve used strap ons before, but not much. I do like the idea, but part of this process is unravelling comfort levels and understanding what I’m okay asking for. I think for a long time, there’s been an innate element of shame and confusion surrounding asking to be dominated by women. I’ve found that in hetero sexual connections, there’s an assumption that the guy will take charge or be dominant, so it’s been hard to get the gumption up to ask for the alternative without feeling like maybe it’ll change the way I’m seen, or lead to a loss of respect from my partner. Dumb stuff that happens when you soak up years worth of mainstream societal rhetoric and 90s gay panic jokes. I like oral stuff a bunch, and it turns out this goes for all genders.

Q: Was he funny?
A: Nope. Personality wise, I can’t imagine why we’d hang out otherwise. I certainly didn’t feel any kind of connection, and it felt transactional, but compassionate.

Q: Did you like that it was a purely sexual experience? You’ve described yourself as demi before but this sounds like a straight up raw dog (with protection).
A: It was a very refreshing experience to have zero pretence. We sorted out the ballpark of what we wanted over Grindr, then turned up and did the sex. I think that having a personal connection is important to my sexual experiences, and I imagine that most of my Grindr hook ups may be unsatisfying to an extent because of this. At the same time, I’m using it as research to hopefully figure out what I like, then seek that out once I’ve got a better idea.

Q: Is there a spreadsheet available of said Mr. Sub diet?
A: I haven’t released my celebrity diet regime yet. But basically for breakfast every day I have oatmeal with added banana, chia seeds, ground flaxseed, nutritional yeast and peanut butter. Lunch is often tuna and crackers with an apple. Dinner is steamed veggies (cabbage, broccoli, carrots) with cottage cheese, two eggs and kimchi.

Q: What was that gag reflex tip you mentioned a while ago?
A: I totally thought about that when I gagged once or twice. So the tip that I read on the internet (and like, weirdly works) is to grab your left thumb in your right fist and squeeze for 14 seconds. I don’t even know if the left/right thing is important, but it’s weird how well it works.

Q: Would you do it again (with the same person or with a different person)?
A: I’d do it again. It’s definitely not something that I’m like “shit, I need to organise as many hook ups as possible”. If it took a week, a month, six months to have another one, I’m not bothered. I feel thankful that I’m secure enough in myself, with my community and friends, and in a supportive relationship whereby I can take this at whatever speed I choose. As I said, the guy was very nice, but I don’t know if the vibe was precisely what I was looking for. At this stage I’m looking to explore and figure stuff out, so I’d rather meet more people and try different things. I don’t think he’s necessarily expecting a follow up, but said I was welcome to drop him a message any time if I wanted to fool around. Who knows? If I find that I have a real taste for it, maybe I’ll message him again.

Q: Were you worried you’d show up and he would be not-cute, or have a bad personality?
A: Somewhere between half to not at all. I was excited about the experience. We’d sent pictures beforehand, and worked each other up a little. I feel super privileged to have an amount of imbued confidence, being a guy and having that physical stature to be able to take care of myself. I had no qualms that if at any point something didn’t feel right, if I wasn’t into it/him, or a boundary was crossed, that I would get dressed and walk at the drop of a hat. Plus I was close to home, so the stakes were so so low.

Q: Would you recommend Grindr as an option for people who are looking to experiment/explore?
A: I would. I was surprised at how straightforward the process was. As someone who’s done a ton of online dating and is used to sending maybe 15 unique messages for every one I get returned, it was incredibly flattering to be desired and a little objectified. It was also a little overwhelming. Every time you sign in, people see that you’re online and you get a flood of messages. It felt very easy to dismiss people without worry. If someone showed interest and I was like “oh, I like the look of them”, I could respond, but there was no necessity over it. I also think it’d be helpful for me to do a post asking for advice, safety tips etc. Before the experience I got in touch with a good friend and asked them if they’d be okay if I used them as a safety person. If I was in a scenario I felt a little cagey about, could I let them know where I’d be, and get in contact if I needed help or support extricating myself. I didn’t message said friend about it last night, because I felt pretty good about the experience going in.

Q: Did you put your dicks in each other’s dicks.
A: Negative. There was dicking, but no docking.

Q: Do you like sucking dick?
A: I do. As I said above, I’m naturally a helper. I really like facilitating pleasure, and it’s super gratifying to see someone’s eyes roll back, or feel their body respond. Sucking dick kind of makes me feel slutty, in a way that eating pussy doesn’t. That’s a fun experience in itself. It does feel like there’s a lot more you can do with a pussy, more ways to be creative, but maybe that’s just because I’m more used to it. I tried bringing a bunch of that in, playing with tempo, sensations, different parts of the cock, etc. So I think I like the way sucking cock makes me feel, but I find it far more fun to go down on pussy. Who knows? It’s still a new experience for me.

Q: What was the mood of the sexy time, did you have fun banter and laughing, or was it intense and passionate, or was there nice dirty talk, etc?
A: It varied. It never felt like the experience was too intense that I wasn’t in control. Physically it alternated between intense and tender. I think I would’ve liked him to be a more vocal dom/top, and that would’ve lifted the experience. It felt easier doing dirty talk, which I sometimes struggle with, because the encounter felt more disposable. I feel like with partners who I have social connections, I’m hesitant to push into too many new areas too quickly, because of a worry that this might fundamentally alter people’s comfort levels within the friendship/relationship. Not having that strata surrounding it made it a lot easier to ask for what I wanted, which was gratifying. I didn’t feel passion, which made me feel slightly distant from the encounter.

Q: Did he laugh when you mentioned the farmer cow thing?
A: He did, but it also felt like my sense of humour was very different from his, so there wasn’t really back and forth banter in the manner that would make an experience super gratifying for me.

Q: After this experience do you feel like you could date a guy?
A: Not right away. I don’t have any objections or qualms to dating guys, but I think I need a better understanding of what it is that draws me in first and what I’m attracted to. It’s kind of turned around the way I look at things, and now I need to recalibrate to better understand what I seek. Full disclosure, kissing is super important to me in a relationship, and I’ve never had a kiss with a guy that I’ve enjoyed much. Like, sure, I’ve been with women who were average kissers, but most guys so far haven’t kissed the way I like.

Q: “After this experience do you feel like you could date a guy?” Is it a style thing or is it that you don’t feel that intense attraction in the same way?
A: I’m definitely attracted to guys, but not in the same way. It’s more of a sexual thing, and it’s probably that I haven’t reframed paradigms enough to see guys as valid romantic partners. It may come with time, or maybe I won’t. I’m happy for things to work themselves out eventually, in whatever way that manifests. I’m still exponentially more attracted to women, but it seems really myopic, knowing that I am attracted to guys, not to act on it. The biggest credit here comes to the years and years of protest and defiance from the queer community, plus the company I keep. Non-hetero connections have been normalised to the extent that it seems stupid not to act on them if I have an interest. I don’t lose anything of myself by doing so, and that’s a hell of a freedom/privilege.

 

I might call it there folks. I’ve gotta have a shower and get ready for work. This has been fun, and I sincerely hope y’all have gotten a kick out of it, sated curiosities of experiences you’re not necessarily looking for yourself, or emboldened you to examine the experiences you’d like to have and recalibrate for yourself. It was fascinating for me, and I’m very happy to share that with others. Also ever thankful for the endless support I get from friends and my partner that have enabled me to delve into new things without feeling pressure, stress or shame. That’s a big fucking deal, and I’m very lucky to have it. It’s 2020, y’all.

Why are people so thirsty in winter? There’s water everywhere

I’m having a hard time writing this right now, because I keep getting distracted.

I’m gonna level with y’all. I just installed Grindr. Don’t worry, this entry isn’t going into NSFW territory. I think it’s worth talking about why I installed it, and my experience with the app in the mere hour(!) it’s been installed.

For some time, I’ve been interested in exploring same sex attractions. It’s something that’s slowly grown over time, perhaps as I’ve been more acclimatised to queer spaces. It’s certainly normalised queer relationships for me in ways that my upbringing didn’t. I don’t know how many of y’all grew up in the 90s, but most of the media I watched used the concept of being gay as a punch line. Whether it was a host of gay panic jokes, or even just the fact that we used “gay” as a synonym for “stupid”. It was a different time, and I’m so stoked the world has moved on from that point. Many many many of my friends are queer, and I’m used to that being a very normal part of our society.

That said, I was mostly oblivious to my queer attractions for a long long time. It’s not like I’ve been hiding in the closet, terrified of coming out. I flat out didn’t realise I was interested. It’s not like I’ve stopped being attracted to women either. What has happened, is that I’ve realised that the way I saw queerness growing up carried a ton of shame. That same sex attractions were a burden some folks carried. That it naturally meant experiences would be more difficult, clandestine, and secretive. I’ve never been interested in hiding who I am, or I wouldn’t be the me y’all know and love.

Over the years, I’ve noticed inklings of queer attractions in myself that have grown. Gears turning in my head that haven’t whirred things instantly into being, but slowly presented glimpses of interest. I know that I have sexual interest in genders other than just women. What I don’t know, is how to navigate these spaces, or even explicitly what I’m looking for. I feel lost in terms of dating non-women. I’m not used to protocols, trends, how dates tend to go. I don’t know what to look for in guys. I don’t know quite what it is I’m attracted to. Not just looks, but personality, sexual behaviour, etc. It’s all very new to me, and I’ve been tentatively dipping toes in. To put it bluntly, I’ve had sexual experiences with guys, but none of them have been anything to write home about. I’ve always thought that it’d be reductive at best to have one or two experiences, then decide from them that I’m just not interested in having more. I obviously am interested, but I haven’t found what was missing from those experiences, or how to have the experiences I don’t-yet-know-that-I-want-to-be-having. I don’t know if I’m looking to date men, just have sex with men, or something in the middle.

Enter Grindr. We all know that Grindr is a hookup app. Nobody has any illusions, right? I’m interested in trying a bit of that out, and figuring out what I like. I’ve never really had a ton of luck with online dating, and I’m sure a ton of that is dating as a straight male in a flooded market. As the maxim goes, for many women dick is abundant and of low value. I’m not an idiot. I’ve been in queer spaces. I’ve been hit on a bunch by guys, and I’ve always been friendly, but rarely interested. Frankly, it’s nice to be wanted and complimented. With online dating, typically I’d probably get one message back for every 10-12 I sent. I’ve been on Grindr for an hour. My phone is constantly blowing up. I’ve had 15 messages from different guys. My profile has been looked at over 80 times. It’s a very different equation. It feels great to be desired, and I’m kind of excited to have new experiences. I’m comfortable in my ability to establish boundaries and have consent-filled encounters and that feels like a privilege.

And yes I’ve been sent multiple dick pics already. It has been an entire hour.

Good news if you wanted to live in an escape room

I have nothing significant to say, and I feel more than borderline sick, so why not write?

I feel conflicted writing about shows I’ve done Described Video for. Most of them have yet to air, so that seems tantamount to spoilers? I don’t know that anyone would care, but something about it still seems iffy. For the first time in so very long, I really like my job. If there was any way my behaviour could lead to losing it, that’d be good behaviour to avoid. That said, I was watching a show last night where two characters wanted to have sex but OH NO, they were out of condoms. They had a chat about whether or not they had to use them, because she was on birth control. She was like “well, how about we both get tested, and try this again tomorrow night?” It read as if there was some causality implied. They’d get the tests, and if they were both STI free, they’d have sex sans condoms. Have these writers ever had a check up? What kind of place do they go where they’re getting instant answers? Every time I’ve had a sexual health check up they’ve been like “here, pee in this plastic container and if you never hear from us again, you’re all good.” It’s not the biggest issue in the world, but it also seems a little odd that nobody in the writer’s room would speak up. It’s great they’re encouraging check ups, but it would’ve been nice to handle those little details. I mean, look, I’m not asking for them to do a detailed scene where these characters sideline the plot to get check ups. It wasn’t even a big plot point. I dunno, just felt lazy. I’m sure very few viewers even batted an eye.

In other news, the Ford government is back on its bullshit. For those too lazy to click, they’re essentially trying to bring in changes allowing developers to hire their own building inspectors. I can’t imagine a world where this is a good idea. I’m not gonna pull any Chicken Little rhetoric here, but I get the sense that this would lead to a ton of rushed jobs, where safety concerns went largely ignored. The chances of developers hiring inspectors who were fully impartial, and held building codes and standards with the respect they deserve, seem incredibly low. Like most of the Ford government’s policies, it seems the type that favours those with money at the expense of those without. The rich folks sure aren’t gonna have to live in these potentially unsafe hovels. They’re not gonna be so desperate that they’ll opt for subpar accommodations. If the province is SO worried about the abundance of inspections required and the lack of inspectors, why not pump money into hiring more inspectors? There are already institutions that perform these exact jobs, and it seems a ton easier than creating the infrastructure required for adequate additional training. It’s not like I’m well learned in these matters, but I’m not sure Ford sees a lack of education as an issue. I mean, it never stopped him.

Also, just a reminder that the Ford government removed rent caps for any properties built after November 2018. So if you’re getting one of these new rush jobs, it may be potentially unsafe, and they can raise your rent as they see fit. For the people, eh? Cool, just when we’re looking to find a new place. Will the fun never cease?

For me it will. I’m out.