Here’s today’s slice of life

I’m feeling a little loopy, and that’s okay.

My sleep patterns have been a bit iffy lately, and it’s translated into a strange and addled state of mind. Yesterday I had a nap around 4pm. Later, I got a little high and cut some cheese. I looked down at the knife, and started singing an improvised song about a “cheese knife”. I’ve never been great at riffing lyrics on the fly, but for some reason I kept going as I prepped to head out for the evening. For maybe ten minutes straight, I kept up with this ditty, going through all sorts of stanzas and iterations. At some point it became a funeral dirge, the same weird little tune, but slower. The lyrics were inane, something like:

Cheeeeese kniife
No matter what, we stood together
Cheeeeese kniife
Through thick and thin, through stormy weather
You’ve been so present in my life
Taken my hand in all this strife
Cheeeeese kniife…

And so on. It was fun. There was something to be said for disregarding a fear of failure. Not worrying about the outcome, but relaxing into it and keeping up momentum. It reminded me of teaching kids to do back tucks in gymnastics. The thing about a back tuck that will get in your way is hesitation. There’s a point at which you just have to push it, elsewise you’ll get stuck in the wrong position. If you hesitate, you’ll hurt yourself. If you push hard, you’ll land the right way up. Riffing this dumb cheese knife song was similar, in that I just had to go with it and have faith that I’d stick the landing. I stumbled a bunch of times, but I was surprised at how often I managed to come up with a legit rhyme. At times if I thought far enough ahead, I’d get a word into my brain that would be great for the following line, and try to come up with a rhyming word for the line I was currently saying. It made my mind reel at the mental gymnastics that prolific freestyle rappers must do on a regular basis. There’s so much to consider, but someone like Black Thought makes it seem effortless. I can only wonder what he’d rap about a cheese knife.

I realised today that there are a couple of things I’ve had wrong for a while. For instance, I thought that the saying went “Fear is in the eye of the beholder”. Apparently that’s quite not it. I only found out, because I made a pun that I thought was decent about it. It would’ve been, if that was the saying. I also thought that the line in Nirvana’s “In Bloom” was “But he don’t know what it means/Don’t know what it means to matter”. In my head it made sense. Nirvana was all about connecting with the disaffected youth. Big time Gen X energy. Saying that the dude likes to sing along, likes to shoot his gun, but lacks purpose, it all seems on the mark. I kinda want to retcon the lyrics and change them to mine. I’m sure Kurt would be up for it, if he were still around.

I know the sentiment of what would Cobain have become if he lived? isn’t new, but I was thinking about it today. Not in a musical sense, but socially. Nirvana were kind of a beacon for the weird and unwanted. Queer culture wasn’t as mainstream as it is these days. I wonder if Kurt would’ve been a good ally or not. Maybe it’s wishful thinking, but I feel like he’d be supportive of LGBTQ+ peeps. I know he idolised Bowie, and it wouldn’t surprise me to see him follow in Bowie’s footsteps. As far as I know, Bowie was normally on the right side of history (like calling out 90s MTV for not playing enough black artists). Would Cobain have gone down a similar route? Of course we have no idea. I’m not gonna break any ground here. It also doesn’t serve any of us to imagine would could have been, when it easily could not have happened that way at all. Kurt was frequently unwell, and fame sorta fucked with him a bunch. If he didn’t take his life, would something else have done it for him? Sad. It’s been a while since I listened to Nirvana. Maybe I should go do that now.

Maybe I’ll cut some cheese, and have a listening party.


Did you realise Mountain Dew was caffeinated? I sure did

I survived. Better yet, I thrived.

JFL42 is over for another year. What a year it was. As I said yesterday, I opted for quality over quantity this year and it paid dividends. Yesterday I went to a talk on mental health in comedy. There were laughs, naturally, but a lot of wise words. The panel was Byron Bowers, DeAnne Smith, Andy Kindler and Jessica Holmes, along with moderator Allison Dore. Byron was a performer I’d only recently seen for the first time, but a ton of his set involves some intense vulnerability. He talks about his father being a homeless schizophrenic, dealing with abuse, and intrusive thoughts. It was a solid show, and it became pretty evident throughout that he was a deep thinker that’d done a lot of self analysis. During the panel, everyone spoke to different aspects of performance, anxiety, depression, and what worked for them. It was compassionate, and fascinating. The number of times I found myself involuntarily grunting my agreement was astounding.

After the talk, I had some downtime, and I wanted to prep. The next show I had booked was a live reading of Harold and Kumar. I thought it’d only be fitting to get quite high and have snacks. I did both of those things. I pulled out my vape and dawdled along King Street towards Dollarama. On the way I stumbled across a Bulk Barn, which was oh so much better. I got a bunch of candy, then bought a large fountain drink at the cinema. High? Check. Candy? Check. Absurdly sized Mountain Dew? Check. I was ready.

The reading was a ton of fun. They had a fantastic cast assembled. Warren Sonoda, the film’s director was there. The biggest name would’ve been Stephanie Beatriz (Rosa from Brooklyn 99), but the rest of the panel were all super talented. Local comic Mark Forward proved unequivocally that there’s no such thing as a small part, utterly stealing the show as the Elevator Ding. It was a cool set up. Aside from Stephanie and Andrea Bang (Kim’s Convenience) as Kumar and Harold respectively, everyone played a ton of parts. They all had scripts with their lines highlighted, and everyone got a chance to have a ton of fun scenes. Ann Pornel had a particularly inspired turn as a rabid raccoon. The whole thing was such a neat experience. Seeing these actors getting to let loose and have fun with the script was fantastic. Every once in a while I’d close my eyes and try to view it as a film in my mind’s eye, if that made sense. The show ran long, and I had to skip my booked 7pm act. I didn’t care in the slightest, I’d had such a great time.

Late Bad was its usual brand of brilliant bollocks. As the unofficial “last night” of the festival, Comedy Bar went off until 4am last call. Hell, it probably went off for longer, but I had a serious need for sleep. One last Late Bad show tonight, that I’ll check in on after work, then I may sit out the comedy for a week or two. I think I’ve earned it.

Is there a wiki of wikis called wiki wiki? If so, does Will Smith hold controlling shares?

This weekend has been a good ol’ fashioned candle burning at both ends. So I guess it’s been less of a weekend and more of a wickend.

Kinky dancey party thing was great last night. I thought I wasn’t gonna know many people, then I ran into 12 or so buddies almost as soon as I arrived. I don’t know why I’d even felt intimidated, everyone was incredibly friendly. The costumes were awesome. I even saw someone dressed as Spider Jerusalem, star of my all time favourite comic: Transmetropolitan. The dungeon was kinda meagre and I didn’t bother, so most of the night was spent dancing and chilling with friends. Seascape sponsored the event, and they’d brought a couple of consoles out for people to use. I beat someone pretty soundly (on the console. As I said, I skipped the dungeon) at Puzzle Bobble. One of my mates won the costume contest with a Marty McFly outfit, and earned his partner a neat Pokémon handbag. Then post event we all headed off to a friend’s place for after party shenanigans. My girlfriend and I got into bed around 6.30am, and I jumped out of bed at 11.20am for an 11.30am brunch with a friend. This weekend has not stopped. Yet.

I think we’re gonna check out the shenanigans at CAFE this afternoon. So for anyone who doesn’t live in Toronto, here’s the deal. CAFE is a weed store, which I recently discovered is an acronym for Cannabis And Fine Edibles. It’s not a legal weed store, but it’s very well run. Why isn’t a legal weed store? Because the Ontario government decided that the permits for weed stores needed to be done by lottery. There’s no question that the “lucky winners” all had ties to the Ford government, and/or made shady back pocket deals. It’s just how this business run government does things. However, virtually all of the legal weed stores are shitshows. They’re poorly run, have unnecessary price mark ups, and their product sucks. Dry and irradiated to all fuckery. It’s old, having sat on shelves for too long. Toronto has totally shat the bed on rolling out legal weed. CAFE on the other hand, is very well run. They organise lines and waiting times well. They’re well stocked, with knowledgeable staff and a range of product. They have edibles, which the governmental stores haven’t brought to market yet. Most everyone I know goes to CAFE instead of the legal stores, because it’s a more enjoyable, less chaotic experience with better weed. Everyone loves CAFE, but they’ve been having a hard time.

Recently the police have been cracking down on CAFE. There’s this absurd comedy of errors, where the police will put these large concrete blocks in front of the stores, then CAFE will pay someone to remove them. It’s been this, lather rinse repeat, for a few weeks. Lately, CAFE have just been running sidewalk sales. I’m sure it’s even less legal. You can’t buy edibles, but the process involves talking to the staff on the sidewalk, telling them what you want, waiting for about half an hour and getting your package. There have definitely been staff arrests. Still, while CAFE is making money hand over fist, they can afford to pay for their indiscretions. It’s a wacky time, and I definitely know who has my support. I’m not even sure why the cops are making such a big deal of it, it’s pretty well known that Doug Ford himself has bought stocks in CAFE. So my girlfriend and I are gonna wander down, make an order and, who knows? Possibly have some ice cream while we wait. Seems like a perfect low key way to taper off a busy weekend.


Just a garden variety dope

Since I’m never not trying to figure out bits, I may as well use this space to get them on a page before tuning them. Guess what I’m doing today?

I’m not cool enough for legal weed to exist.

I’m so uncool, that if weed wasn’t legal, I would have no idea how to get any.

As an individual, I have no chill. When I invite gals over for Netflix, we watch the damn movie. And we probably watch Paddington, because it’s cute and I’m likely stoned.

When I smoke weed I do boring shit like go to the gym, cook a nice meal or spend THREE HOURS IN THE SUPERMARKET.

I was told a good rule of thumb is never to shop hungry. I have a new rule. It’s Don’t Buy Weed High. When I’m high, money doesn’t make sense.

You know when you first started flatting, and you got ambitious about how many veggies you could cook and eat in a week? A mature adult knows you cannot eat two cabbages in seven days. A student discovers graft vs host on day five.

The problem with buying weed when you’re innately boring, is it all sounds very exciting. Oh, you mean I could get creative and euphoric? Sure, I’ll take two. Social and talkative? Two of that one too. Chilled and focused? HERE’S MY WALLET. JUST TAKE IT. Anything to feel cool for once.

“Cool” is knowing what you want. If I was cool (and not an awkward quantity of stoned) I would’ve walked out with two grams. I left with seven, because I’m a sucker and the sales rep upsold me.

Seven grams is maybe six months worth of weed for me if I go hard and smoke heavy. WHY DID I BUY SO MUCH?

It gets worse, I already had a couple of grams at home. The new stuff is gonna go stale before I even have a chance to smoke it. It’s like buying two cabbages all over again. But you know what? I’m a boring adult, so I did what any boring adult would do. I bought a god damn vape.

Turns out online shopping is even dumber high.

A plant matter matter

A blissfully quiet Sunday, the perfect kind of day for a wander.

I’d finished brunch with a friend and her kid, then realised I didn’t have much on my agenda. Cold, but gorgeously clear, it called for some strolling. I needed shower gel, which was good enough cause to get out of the house with some shades strapped to my face. I threw on some shoes, wrapped up warm and set out into the sun. I arrived at the lovingly destitute Galleria Mall, only to discover it looking more dishevelled than usual. With renovations underway to transform it into a gaudy, monolithic apartment complex, the interior had been thoroughly gutted. Gone were the eerie little Italian stores that never seemed to cycle through products. The cheap spots probably offering hidden contraband behind the chintzy Jesus clocks and humidifiers. The Dollarama, my entire reason for visiting, had been shut down. Instead Galleria Mall was a Freshco, Shoppers, Pet Smart, Planet Fitness, LCBO, and a series of hastily erected corridors, under a forest of exposed pipes. It was as unnerving as it was fascinating.

I stepped out to fresh air, and started mulling things over in my mind. I thought of my girlfriend having found a cute new second hand lion onesie. I already love it. It’s thin enough that I don’t overhead. It has fuzzy faux fur bits, especially for the mane. What it lacks in pockets, it makes up for in comfort. It’s snug without being overly tight. Surprising, since it was probably made for teen girls. A faithful companion for our ol’ fave, the tiger onesie, Multiple times in the past few days, we’ve both been dressed as big cats while lounging around the house. Are we becoming those people? The thought didn’t give me a ton of pause (paws, amirite?), but it did make me wonder how Furries feel about onesies. Do they see onesies as acculturation? Or appropriation? Are they happy that normies are adopting elements of their culture? Or do they feel marginalised and commodified by the public’s widespread adoption of onesies? Furthermore, are onesies a gateway to Furrydom? Once you start scratching that itch, does it lead you down a path? I mean, it’s not like my girlfriend and I have never touched each other’s butts while in onesies. Could that have cumulative effects? Wait, on some level isn’t it like you’re wearing an animal’s skin? Since your head is still poking out of their mouth? Does that mean… is Buffalo Bill in a onesie? If your onesie needs to be lotioned, does it automatically cease to be a onesie?

I hope that Costco never sells weed. I couldn’t handle it. I don’t know how to reliably judge how much weed I need and/or am purchasing. I can’t gauge oh yeah, we’ll probably need a gram or two for the next ______.” I can’t translate use or quantity on the fly. A gram of each is the smallest quantity you can buy, and I want to try a few things of both sativa and hybrid. I use them for different purposes. Hybrids are often good for quiet nights in, or going to the gym. Sativas are better for social interaction, parties or having a jog. I tend to prefer sativas, so I usually know I want more of them. BUT I DON’T UNDERSTAND HOW LONG IT TAKES ME TO GO THROUGH STUFF. Which is why I looked at the sativas, and decided I wanted two grams of each. I figured one hybrid was enough. That’s five grams. FIVE GRAMS. Do you know how long it’d take me to smoke five whole grams? Long enough that it’d probably all have grown old. I didn’t need five grams. BUT THEN THE GODDAMN SALES LADY UPSOLD ME. She was all “oh, did you know that if you buy six grams, you get one free?” I was at five already, I just needed to buy one gram and I’d get another gram free. How can you say no to value like that? So I begrudgingly chose another two grams. ANOTHER TWO GRAMS? EGADS. I paid up, smiled and walked out, satisfied to have completed a task. THEN I REALISED I ALREADY HAD ENOUGH WEED AT HOME. I only really went there in the first place to pick up a gram or two, and I walked out with seven. SEVEN. It’s an unreasonable quantity. It’s TOO MUCH. I might just get my girlfriend to hide it for a month or two and forget about it until we get through the small amount we already have. Geez. Do I need to start baking stuff so I can freeze/save it?

It’s like when I started flatting and bought too much produce. THINK WITH YOUR BRAIN, NOT YOUR EYES.

Is dope gonna destroy society? Not if legalisation is any indica-tion

Happy 420, my duuuudes. Or something.

Why not? I talk about enough meaningless drivel on here, why not add some B7@zE it up in this bitch? A token’ entry, y’know? A friend of mine posted something today about 420, and how it’s important we don’t lose sight of the fact that weed and its legalisation still comes with baggage of racial inequality. Even now, there are still people held up in the prison system, serving sentences for something that’s entirely legal. We need to be pushing forward pardons for those with prior convictions, and moving to expunge their criminal records related to those behaviours that are no longer a crime. The system as it has been set up disproportionately advantages the rich and white, who’ve mostly always been above the law when it came to marijuana. Weed for many black people has meant targeted frisking on the street, planted evidence and a whole host of inhuman treatment by an uncaring system.

It’s something poignant to think about on a day that’s usually characterised by cartoony substance usage. When I think of 420, oftentimes oversized hemp leaves or comically large joints are first to mind. I think of people commodifying Carribean culture and colours as “their culture”. I think of people smoking up en masse in a public park. I think of Bob Marley being played over speakers. In general, a goofy celebration that recuses a lot of the legal inequalities that play out.

I think of how as of late, I’ve started to use weed for a variety of purposes, in a whole host of places. Occasionally I’ll smoke a CBD heavy strain before going to the gym. If I’m lifting light or doing a maintenance session, it helps me get in touch with my body and efficient movement. It’s nice before going for a run, letting my muscles relax a bit and follow a natural flow. I smoke it in evenings where I want to chill out, maybe cook a meal and relax watching something, then drift off to sleep easily. I use it as social lubricant when I’m going out with friends at a noisy location, or dance party. It’s helped me curb the amount that I drink, which can only be a positive healthy step. I’ll mostly smoke it on our porch, but I’ve also walked the street, pipe in hand, having a quiet toke. When I do, I think about how a year ago my behaviour would be illegal. How so many people were probably jailed for the same thing. I think about how little my actions are harming others, and the strawman farce that’s hounded marijuana for years. Now that it’s legal, where are all these social ills? Where’s the civic downfall heralded by the devil’s weed? Turns out it was just a crock of shit. Quelle surprise.

I’m happy that it’s finally been legalised. I like having the use of it in my life. I mean, I’m buying a vape for fuck’s sake. Clearly I’m a user. I also want to drive home that we still haven’t equalised the playing field. The substances are largely held by a large, inefficient governmental organisation, and licenses were likely given to people with some connection to the Ford family. Corruption is kind of the baseline with this provincial government. The few brick and mortar locations around are situated in high socioeconomic, largely white areas, giving an indication as to the kind of clientele they’re looking for. The message, is that weed is not for BIPOC, for people who could benefit from what it offers. Also the people who struggled for years trying to sell before it was legal are mostly being shut out of joining the industry. It’s kinda messy. I guess the only saving grace is that governmental weed is mostly shit, dry and undesirable. It’s overpriced, and the grey market still has a decent run of the city.

I don’t know if there’s a message to all of this. Enjoy yourselves, blaze it up, be responsible. Most of all, think about the privilege that lets you do so without fear of legal repercussions. We’re not all so lucky.

Chasing puffection

The concept of adulthood has become increasingly nebulous.

Capitalism has put reclaiming one’s childhood front and centre. Disney holds most of the world’s leading entertainment franchises, from Star Wars to Marvel movies. Onesies are tangentially part of the zeitgeist. Self care and comfort have risen as a response to a world that at times seems heartless and cruel. It’s all valid. It’d be reductive to label it pure escapism, when it’s largely reassessing patterns baked into society and choosing which still have relevance. Chastising oneself for retaining and exploring elements of your childhood doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, if it comes hand in hand with fulfilling your responsibilities. In short, if you’re getting through life without causing harm to others, it doesn’t much matter how you’re doing it. You can be a grown kid, if that’s following your bliss. It doesn’t mean that you don’t know how to stand up and take control when the situation calls for it.

Look friends, I’m trying to say that I finally bit the bullet and bought a vape.

It’s not like it’s been challenging to smoke weed. Tried and true methods still work in these modern times. It’s been simple. Step 1: Put flower in pipe. Step 2: Smoke. Easy enough. Still, it could be easier. What about basic consumption on the go? As it’s been, smoking while out and about has involved finding somewhere to sit down and set up. Or loading the pipe while walking, and clunkily smoking. Watching the bowl while also taking in my surroundings. At home there’s been a ritual of sorts, but it’s none too efficient. Low tech functionality, for sure, but there are so many ways to clear up inefficiencies. What I’m trying to emphasise is that the decision to get a vape was not out of necessity. It’s a convenience.

Despite the cavalier tone here, I don’t want to undermine how much thought I’ve put into the decision. I’ve asked around friends to assess their smoking habits. I’ve heard what works for them, and what doesn’t. They’ve mentioned size and portability to be paramount. Having something discreet, but fluid and functional. Low set up time, to enable quick short sessions. Having the herb closed away, out of sight. Hands off, with the capability for multiple sessions of a single load. Knowing that if they haven’t smoked everything they’ve packed, they can just leave it in there until they want to smoke again. Less wastage and mess. I’ve been into a few stores and talked with salespeople. I’ve looked at online reviews, weighed the pros and cons. It all sounds kinda neat, but definitely like some are better than others.

Seeing a friend yesterday, she sold me pretty well on her unit. The Arizer Go. Here’s a youtube review she sent me. I was surprised at how thorough and comprehensive the review was. It illustrated the convenience to a T. Who knew stoners cared about their gear that thoroughly? Like there’s been a massive underground market for decades or something. The unit is small, about the size of a cigarette packet. It’s easy to set up, but offers a ton of versatility. From a tactile standpoint, it felt good to hold. Even when it warmed up, it wasn’t prohibitively hot. The sensation of smoking from it was pleasant, and lacked the harsh ashy taste that sometimes happens near the end of a bowl. Y’know, the entire reason people use vapes in the first place? I’m really getting with the times here. I’m getting so much with the times, that I logged on and bought one of my own. It’s rare for me to invest in a new piece of hardware, so it’s nice to have considered a bunch of variables.

How else was I gonna define adulthood. It’s not like our generation will ever own homes.