Hey friends and strangers. I had my first ever hookup on Grindr last night, and decided to do an AMA with friends to talk about it. What follows is without a doubt not safe for work, and I want to give people the chance to opt out before reading if that’s something they’re incredibly not into. So if that’s you, maybe leave now?
Welcome all. Let’s kick this off. I’ve got coffee and oatmeal on hand and I’m ready to answer some questions. Also if people are only here to lurk, that’s fine too.
Q: Did you guys do the smoochies?
A: We definitely did the smooches.
Q: What motivated this male date?
A: It’s something I’ve been thinking of for a while. It’s not my first sexual experience with another guy, but I’ve been curious/interested for a while and wanted to see how I felt with a more one on one encounter. I’ve taken my time and checked in with myself over what my comfort levels were, what kind of experiences I was looking to have, and figured now was a fine time. Plus I had two days off, so lots of down time.
Q: How long did you converse (online or in-person) before getting physical?
A: Maybe a few hours. He’d messaged yesterday at around 2am, and yesterday I was actively interested in having a hookup. I messaged him back around 7pm, and we chatted a little about expectations, what we were both into, etc. He said to come over around 11pm, and he was a mere 500 metres away from home. I appreciated the convenience most of all.
Q: Also how did you find the overall Grindr experience? Was it hard to connect with someone?
A: Grindr is fucking nuts. People will lead with dick pics, and be very straightforward about what they’re looking for. That part is actually fantastic, it cuts through so much admin type stuff and gets right to it. I didn’t feel bad about rejecting or not replying to people, because I knew they’d be fine and it’d be easy for them to meet others. I’m sure this experience is probably pretty familiar for women on dating sites, but it was very new for me. Over 500 profile views in 24 hours, upwards of 60 messages.
Q: Did you learn anything new about yourself through this experience?
A: Honestly, it really reaffirmed that I’m a natural switch. I had this idea that I wanted subby experiences with guys, and yet during the experience I had to try really hard to reel myself back from taking charge. I also had some misguided idea that I’d be fundamentally different after the experience, but I was very surprised at how nothing whatsoever changed. I’m the same me I always was, and the thought of how vehement people are about homosexuality is fucking absurd. Like, I’d already stuck stuff in my butt before, it’s not like I’m at all a different person now.
Q: What drew you to this person over any others?
A: Firstly, they lived very close, and that was convenient. But also they listed stuff in their profile that I was interested in. Dom, well hung, they were attractive, and through our conversation it was evident that they were interested in having an experience where both of us would be comfortable and could have fun. I chatted with other people (and was close to doing something on Monday), but the guy couldn’t be bothered leaving his place to meet up in public first. With this guy, I felt comfortable enough to just go straight over to his place.
Q: How open were you with your date about the experience you were looking for, and how was it received?
A: I was entirely open. I told him I was bi/pan and partnered, that I’d had a handful of experiences with guys over the years, but I’d never taken a physical dick in my butt. I told him that I’d probably be a little bit of a newbie and might need to go slow with some stuff. He was A-Ok with all that. It was also kind of great knowing that this was a disposable experience. We both put out the stuff that we were interested in, kind of cross checked the lists and went “great, now we know the stuff each other wants”, and that really helped make the experience more gratifying. Zero pretence.
Q: What was your favorite moment(s)?
A: So there was this moment I was sitting on him. Feet up on the bed, shaft all the way in and I started giggling. He asked me what was up. I replied that there was this thing that happens with farmers and cows. If farmers need to give cows medicine, they do it rectally. They shove their whole arm right up in there. Now, if the cow farts, the muscles of its rectum all tighten up and break the farmer’s arm, and that was all I was thinking about right then. But luckily I didn’t need to fart.
Q: What was the dick like?
A: Bigger than me, that’s for sure. Long shaft, slightly curved. Very nice dick.
Q: Did you just use the free app or did you get the upgrades?
A: Dude, I still torrent. There’s no way I’m paying for an app. Free all the way.
Q: I know that you had met specifically for the hookup, but did you do anything outside of sexual activity (e.g. Netflix, video games, etc.). If so, was it enjoyable or awkward?
A: We were mostly there for the sex, but took breaks every once in a while. After we were all done, he’d cum and we were both exhausted, we laid back and listened to some music. He played this R&B artist Emily King who I’m listening to right now. It was nice. We did that for maybe ten minutes, then I got dressed and went. It was a nice experience, but I certainly didn’t feel any romantic connection and that was okay. He was kind, respectful and patient, and I couldn’t have asked for more.
Q: So you had anal? Was this new, or have you had it before (pegging, solo toys, etc.)? Was it stressful letting a stranger put it in your butt?
A: Anal was new for me. I have toys, but nothing huge. I’d never done it with an actual boner before. I was straight up and told him, also saying that if I really wasn’t into it, I’d just suck him off or something. He was great at easing me in, starting with fingers. He did one, two, three, and gradually opened me up, checking in that it was okay at each stage. I smoked some weed beforehand, hoping that it was relax me enough to enjoy it, and it helped a bunch. It wasn’t stressful, but it was intense and different getting used to unfamiliar sensations. A number of times I gave him a double tap and we paused for as long as I needed.
Q: Did you strictly bottom and assume more of a subby role for this encounter? You didn’t switch with each other throughout? The ol’ swapparoo?
A: I was strictly interested in the bottom/subby experience, and he wasn’t interested in the alternative anyway. We didn’t switch, For me, the idea of status play is fun, and it kind of feels like acting. Getting into a character and going with it. I had thought that maybe it would spark something in me, and afterwards I’d be like “oh this is what I was missing”. It wasn’t that life changing. I like subby stuff, and maybe it’s taught me that I’d be interested in incorporating more femdom into my sex life, but I also like taking control and giving back, and I think I just learned that it’s more of a contextual, experienced based thing for me. Plus, I’m naturally a helper, and it’s easier for me to focus on others’ pleasure than my own. Always.
Q: What is their (first) name? What did they look like? What did they smell like? What did you like most and least about a) their appearance, b) vibe, c) personality d) interests?
A: I’m terrible with names. I asked it twice, then instantly forgot each time. I honestly don’t know what his name is. He was a taller guy, soft feminine features. Not muscular, but more cuddly? Black guy, short hair and no facial hair. I have virtually no sense of smell, so I don’t remember what he smelled like. It meant a lot to me that he was kind, and willing to go at my pace. He was a touring musician, so it was pretty cool to hear a little about that, and listen to music afterwards. We honestly didn’t spend a ton of time not having sex though?
Q: How does he identify? Gay? Bi? Pan?
A: Gay, definitely. We didn’t talk a bunch about it, but it sounded like he had a bunch of casual partners, some more serious, and really enjoyed being able to have experiences.
Q: Did you talk about safe sex practices prior to doing it? i.e. testing, condom use, safewords, whatever else?
A: We did! We started off on the app talking about what we’d like to do to each other, sexual interests, etc, and getting each other warmed up. Then I was like: Sidebar, let’s get the boring admin stuff out of the way. Have you been tested, do you have anything I should be aware of? Or tension points for me to consider? Are you good with me giving a double tap every now and again if I need to pause or slow down? Condoms were a non-negotiable, and he was in for that.
Q: But was the dick PINK?
A: It was naaaaaaught, but I guess I answered this one further up.
Q: Did you not come?
A: I didn’t. This isn’t an anomaly for me. It usually takes me a while with a new partner before I do (though not always), and part of that is comfort and easing into the experience. I also lean pretty demisexual, so romantic interest is kinda important in having more gratifying encounters. Which I guess begs the question of why I’m looking for casual hookups? In a way, it’s research. I’m interested in finding out what kind of stuff I like. I don’t know if I’m romantically interested in guys, if I just like cock or being dominated, or if I do like guys romantically, but the puzzle pieces haven’t come together yet, and these experiences will help me put together a picture of what I would like my experiences outside cis women to be. I’m open to it, I’ve got zero shame around the idea, but I want to figure out what I’m into before diving in headfirst.
Q: How long was it from arriving at the house to doing it? How long was the doing it?
A: There was very little pretence. Maybe 3 minutes between walking into his room and getting down to stuff. I told him I wanted to smoke some weed first. I stripped down to my underwear, he invited me onto the bed. We made out and felt each other up a bunch. Then I was like “pause, I’d like to have that smoke now” so I did, then we got back to it. The overall experience was about two hours with short breaks.
Q: Were you hard while you were bottoming?
A: Sometimes yes, sometimes no. It varied, and wasn’t consistent. I honestly haven’t figured out to what degree I like penetration. At first it wasn’t so much painful, but getting into my head and telling myself to relax. That these sensations were new, and I was safe. We took probably a solid ten minutes to go from the tip to the shaft going in all the way. It was very intense and new, it felt better as we went on, but never to a point where I was like “oh this is fucking great and my new favourite thing.” It was more a feeling of “oh shit, there’s a very intense, non-painful but non-pleasurable sensation, and it’s distracting me enough that I can’t enjoy the pleasure part of this equation.” So not bad, but still an experience I have to work on, to see how much I enjoy it.
Q: Anticipating anal, did you do any particular prep (different cleaning, diet, etc)?
A: So the day before, when I was anticipating having an experience, I used a little douche bulb at home beforehand. Then nothing eventuated. Yesterday I was thinking about it, but also thinking more about the fact that we needed eggs, bananas and cottage cheese. So I went to the supermarket instead of douching, and hoped that wasn’t taboo. The part where this gets very interesting, is that we talked about whether or not he subbed. He said that he didn’t, he was so so on the experience and moreover, he didn’t want to have to eat a sub’s diet. I was like PLEASE TELL ME MORE. And he was like well, subs typically have a super high fibre diet to keep themselves flushed out. I was like ZOMG, I’ve had a subby diet for years and didn’t know it. So it turned out I was naturally flushed out enough that douching wasn’t necessary.
Q: Are strap-ons of interest to you now?
A: I’ve used strap ons before, but not much. I do like the idea, but part of this process is unravelling comfort levels and understanding what I’m okay asking for. I think for a long time, there’s been an innate element of shame and confusion surrounding asking to be dominated by women. I’ve found that in hetero sexual connections, there’s an assumption that the guy will take charge or be dominant, so it’s been hard to get the gumption up to ask for the alternative without feeling like maybe it’ll change the way I’m seen, or lead to a loss of respect from my partner. Dumb stuff that happens when you soak up years worth of mainstream societal rhetoric and 90s gay panic jokes. I like oral stuff a bunch, and it turns out this goes for all genders.
Q: Was he funny?
A: Nope. Personality wise, I can’t imagine why we’d hang out otherwise. I certainly didn’t feel any kind of connection, and it felt transactional, but compassionate.
Q: Did you like that it was a purely sexual experience? You’ve described yourself as demi before but this sounds like a straight up raw dog (with protection).
A: It was a very refreshing experience to have zero pretence. We sorted out the ballpark of what we wanted over Grindr, then turned up and did the sex. I think that having a personal connection is important to my sexual experiences, and I imagine that most of my Grindr hook ups may be unsatisfying to an extent because of this. At the same time, I’m using it as research to hopefully figure out what I like, then seek that out once I’ve got a better idea.
Q: Is there a spreadsheet available of said Mr. Sub diet?
A: I haven’t released my celebrity diet regime yet. But basically for breakfast every day I have oatmeal with added banana, chia seeds, ground flaxseed, nutritional yeast and peanut butter. Lunch is often tuna and crackers with an apple. Dinner is steamed veggies (cabbage, broccoli, carrots) with cottage cheese, two eggs and kimchi.
Q: What was that gag reflex tip you mentioned a while ago?
A: I totally thought about that when I gagged once or twice. So the tip that I read on the internet (and like, weirdly works) is to grab your left thumb in your right fist and squeeze for 14 seconds. I don’t even know if the left/right thing is important, but it’s weird how well it works.
Q: Would you do it again (with the same person or with a different person)?
A: I’d do it again. It’s definitely not something that I’m like “shit, I need to organise as many hook ups as possible”. If it took a week, a month, six months to have another one, I’m not bothered. I feel thankful that I’m secure enough in myself, with my community and friends, and in a supportive relationship whereby I can take this at whatever speed I choose. As I said, the guy was very nice, but I don’t know if the vibe was precisely what I was looking for. At this stage I’m looking to explore and figure stuff out, so I’d rather meet more people and try different things. I don’t think he’s necessarily expecting a follow up, but said I was welcome to drop him a message any time if I wanted to fool around. Who knows? If I find that I have a real taste for it, maybe I’ll message him again.
Q: Were you worried you’d show up and he would be not-cute, or have a bad personality?
A: Somewhere between half to not at all. I was excited about the experience. We’d sent pictures beforehand, and worked each other up a little. I feel super privileged to have an amount of imbued confidence, being a guy and having that physical stature to be able to take care of myself. I had no qualms that if at any point something didn’t feel right, if I wasn’t into it/him, or a boundary was crossed, that I would get dressed and walk at the drop of a hat. Plus I was close to home, so the stakes were so so low.
Q: Would you recommend Grindr as an option for people who are looking to experiment/explore?
A: I would. I was surprised at how straightforward the process was. As someone who’s done a ton of online dating and is used to sending maybe 15 unique messages for every one I get returned, it was incredibly flattering to be desired and a little objectified. It was also a little overwhelming. Every time you sign in, people see that you’re online and you get a flood of messages. It felt very easy to dismiss people without worry. If someone showed interest and I was like “oh, I like the look of them”, I could respond, but there was no necessity over it. I also think it’d be helpful for me to do a post asking for advice, safety tips etc. Before the experience I got in touch with a good friend and asked them if they’d be okay if I used them as a safety person. If I was in a scenario I felt a little cagey about, could I let them know where I’d be, and get in contact if I needed help or support extricating myself. I didn’t message said friend about it last night, because I felt pretty good about the experience going in.
Q: Did you put your dicks in each other’s dicks.
A: Negative. There was dicking, but no docking.
Q: Do you like sucking dick?
A: I do. As I said above, I’m naturally a helper. I really like facilitating pleasure, and it’s super gratifying to see someone’s eyes roll back, or feel their body respond. Sucking dick kind of makes me feel slutty, in a way that eating pussy doesn’t. That’s a fun experience in itself. It does feel like there’s a lot more you can do with a pussy, more ways to be creative, but maybe that’s just because I’m more used to it. I tried bringing a bunch of that in, playing with tempo, sensations, different parts of the cock, etc. So I think I like the way sucking cock makes me feel, but I find it far more fun to go down on pussy. Who knows? It’s still a new experience for me.
Q: What was the mood of the sexy time, did you have fun banter and laughing, or was it intense and passionate, or was there nice dirty talk, etc?
A: It varied. It never felt like the experience was too intense that I wasn’t in control. Physically it alternated between intense and tender. I think I would’ve liked him to be a more vocal dom/top, and that would’ve lifted the experience. It felt easier doing dirty talk, which I sometimes struggle with, because the encounter felt more disposable. I feel like with partners who I have social connections, I’m hesitant to push into too many new areas too quickly, because of a worry that this might fundamentally alter people’s comfort levels within the friendship/relationship. Not having that strata surrounding it made it a lot easier to ask for what I wanted, which was gratifying. I didn’t feel passion, which made me feel slightly distant from the encounter.
Q: Did he laugh when you mentioned the farmer cow thing?
A: He did, but it also felt like my sense of humour was very different from his, so there wasn’t really back and forth banter in the manner that would make an experience super gratifying for me.
Q: After this experience do you feel like you could date a guy?
A: Not right away. I don’t have any objections or qualms to dating guys, but I think I need a better understanding of what it is that draws me in first and what I’m attracted to. It’s kind of turned around the way I look at things, and now I need to recalibrate to better understand what I seek. Full disclosure, kissing is super important to me in a relationship, and I’ve never had a kiss with a guy that I’ve enjoyed much. Like, sure, I’ve been with women who were average kissers, but most guys so far haven’t kissed the way I like.
Q: “After this experience do you feel like you could date a guy?” Is it a style thing or is it that you don’t feel that intense attraction in the same way?
A: I’m definitely attracted to guys, but not in the same way. It’s more of a sexual thing, and it’s probably that I haven’t reframed paradigms enough to see guys as valid romantic partners. It may come with time, or maybe I won’t. I’m happy for things to work themselves out eventually, in whatever way that manifests. I’m still exponentially more attracted to women, but it seems really myopic, knowing that I am attracted to guys, not to act on it. The biggest credit here comes to the years and years of protest and defiance from the queer community, plus the company I keep. Non-hetero connections have been normalised to the extent that it seems stupid not to act on them if I have an interest. I don’t lose anything of myself by doing so, and that’s a hell of a freedom/privilege.
I might call it there folks. I’ve gotta have a shower and get ready for work. This has been fun, and I sincerely hope y’all have gotten a kick out of it, sated curiosities of experiences you’re not necessarily looking for yourself, or emboldened you to examine the experiences you’d like to have and recalibrate for yourself. It was fascinating for me, and I’m very happy to share that with others. Also ever thankful for the endless support I get from friends and my partner that have enabled me to delve into new things without feeling pressure, stress or shame. That’s a big fucking deal, and I’m very lucky to have it. It’s 2020, y’all.
I have my doubts 